Shitty Stories

MY FRIEND ED WAS OUT CYCLING WITH A GROUP OF OTHER RIDERS ON AN ORGANIZED RIDE OUT AMONG SOME RECENTLY MOWED WHEAT FIELDS WHEN THE PAIN HIT. HE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO DROP HIS BIKE SHORTS OUT IN ONE OF THOSE FIELDS AND PRAY NO ONE WOULD SEE HIM. HE HAD A MAJOR BLOWOUT IN THAT FIELD, AND JUST AS HE PULLED UP HIS SHORTS A GROUP OF CYCLISTS ROUNDED THE CORNER. WHEW, A CLEAN ESCAPE THIS TIME

Originally posted 2006-04-12 18:51:00.

My story begins at about 7am.  This is when I usually have those horrible feelings in the bowel.  I was leaving my house for my usual 45 minute commute when I had a little pang.  I shrugged it off and walked out to my car.  Wiping off my car windows I had another, more serious pang.  At this point, things got a little dicey.  I couldn’t walk back into the house for fear of embarrassing myself and not making it.  Also, somebody else may be in the bathroom.  The immediate alternative was the CVS store about a mile away.  As I pulled into the parking lot, I let out what I thought was a little fart.  I knew things would be critical as I got out of the car and started walking toward the door to CVS.  Shuffling toward the door, it started coming out and continued as I walked past an employee.  We exchanged “Good Mornings” as it kept dumping into my underwear.  Thankfully, my briefs caught it all.  I shuffled to the bathroom and carefully removed clothing.  The underwear went into the trash and I cleaned myself up and took the remainder of the shit, which wasn’t much and not satisfying at all.  Fearing bad karma, I tied up the trash bag (with the underwear) and removed it outside where I tossed it into a big trash bin.  Then I reentered the store again and bought new underwear.  When I got to work I put on a new pair.  So, it was a textbook recovery.  I still felt nauseated so I couldn’t relish just how seamless it was.  By the way, I had been eating a lot of fast food lately, but I think it was the “IN & OUT” burger that did it.  Something about the way they cook it (or undercook it) but it sure does taste good.

Originally posted 2010-03-23 19:17:00.

 I was ok when I left work and got in the car.  A few minutes later, stuck in slow traffic, I realized I would need to get to a restroom soon.  The hotel was about a 45 minute drive, normally, but through a stretch of bad neighborhoods.  I figured I could make it.

I decided to call a friend because I thought that talking might distract me (and my bowels) from my discomfort.  It worked for a while, but then after I hung up I had about 15 minutes to go.  I kept telling myself, I’ve been in the situation many times, and that often the urge just “goes away”.

This urge wasn’t going away.  It was a steady pressure and I knew I was in trouble.  I kept thinking, just 5 more exits, 4 more exits, 3 or exits … I told myself, of course I would make it.  I’ve never shat my pants before, I never did it while sitting down, I never did it while driving.  I suddenly realized though that my butt knew I was getting close to the hotel, because it started relaxing and going into countdown mode!

I kept thinking, this is ridiculous, absurd … a healthy grown man shitting his pants.  It doesn’t happen.  It   … does … not … happen.

With one exit to go, the poop began oozing out.  I was thinking, ok so it’s just a little.  A little poop isn;t bad, I can clean that up.

But then, my butt goes into full launch.  I can;t stop it now.  Others describe the oozing as being like toothpaste being squeezed from the body, and that’s exactly what it feels like.  It runs down one pant leg.  It just keeps on coming.  I think, ok maybe it will stay in the boxers, and I can run to the hotel room.  but it keeps coming.

I look at my crotch and begin seeing the wet spots.  I am now in survival mode.  I’m thinking of how I can get to the hotel room now, how to get by the front desk and other hotel guests in the lobby.  WHat if I have to ride up the elevator with another hotel guest?  Feeling total desperation now.

I have an idea.   I figure the underwear took the brunt of the assault.  Can I pull over to a secluded area and throw out the underwear, then wear just the slightly stained pants?

I givit it a try.  I stopped at an empty corporate park, thank you recession, and get out of the car.  Immediately, the poop falls down my leg.  And I am completely stained.  I realize I can’t maneuver now and still, people can see me.

I decide that the only way is get myself and my load back up to the hotel room.  But now I am obviously soiled and if anyone sees me, they will know what’s up.

One more good idea.  I was wearing an undershirt, so I took off the outer shirt and tied it around my waste.  Now no one can tell!  But the poop is getting cold and running down to my ankles.  I decide to roll up my pants tightly to stop the ooze.  I can feel a clump down there now, near the pants roll.

I get back to the hotel and decide I will simply make a run for it to the hotel room.  I would use the stairs, not the hotel.  I look and smell like a homeless person now, with just one pant leg rolled up and a short messily tied around my waist.  I am limping too like a homeless person.

My fear is that the front desk or nosy guest will ask to see my ID.   But, I had to just make my move.

In my first stroke of luck of the day, there is no front desk person.   I run up the stairs and get to my 3rd floor hotel room.  I never felt so relieved in my life to get to the hotel room safely.

When I remove my pants, I see the most disgusting mess of poop vomit I have ever seen in my life.  It’s like someone threw up shit everywhere in my crotch.

As I cleaned up my underwear and pants in the bathtub, I think of the scene from Pulp fiction where they clean up the brain parts from the car.  I want to remove every bit of evidence and throw my clothes in the wash as soon as possible.

I put on some dry clothes and start the wash.  To my amazement, the wash removes all traces of feces and wet stains.  The perfect crime.

Originally posted 2010-04-07 21:39:00.

Well not as extravagant as the others but none the less S***ty. I was sitting on my couch relaxing watching a bit of the tube, when all of a sudden I felt this horrible rumble. Knowing that the bathroom is ten feet away I am thinking, Hey I’ll make it. But this was no ordinary rumble, and as I progressed the few feet to the bathroom the pain in my stomach got worse. Some how the action of standing to get up from the couch and walking to the bathroom had relaxed m sphincter just enough. As I pull down my pants to sit on the toilet. I S*** all over myself, my pants, the toilet and the floor. I live with my dad and was afraid this would wake him or that he would see my poopy covered rear end running from the bathroom to my bed room. I decided to steal the plastic bag from the toilet trash can and dispose of the tainted undies and proceeded to wash my poop laden buttocks. Not realizing how bad the accident really was I tried to retrieve my pants from the floor. Only to realize that they too were covered in my feces and I had now made a trail of this foul concoctive all over the floor in the bathroom. It was a clean up effort for sure, and a warning to listen to that rumble more carefully next time.
I guess that’s what they mean when they say SUDDEN FREQUENT URGE.

Originally posted 2006-09-11 09:02:00.

Super Monkey Poop Fight

Originally posted 2008-08-14 09:37:00.

It was my birthday, and the boy I’d been seeing had been talking for days about the reservations he’d made at a very nice, very expensive (by my standards) restaurant. After a nice and uneventful dinner, we got in the car to head back to my apartment. Minutes after sitting down, I knew I desperately needed a bathroom – preferably not mine, but what choice did I have at that point? Luckily, I’d made a huge deal out of how high my heels were (a good reason to cling to him while walking around the city), so he didn’t mind dropping me off at my place so I could “pee” and then going to find parking on his own.

I made it all the way into my bathroom before it happened, and luckily I was wearing a skirt, but … I missed. The underwear was destroyed, as was the new white bathmat, and I just sat there in shock for minutes. He was just going to park, and then he’d be here, and what could possibly be less attractive than my current state? I mean, girlfriends don’t do that. We just don’t. It evaporates.

After calling my sister for moral support, I got in the shower, fantastic-ed the entire bathroom, lit a candle, and changed into lingerie. He finally arrived (grumbling about how hard it had been to find parking), kissed me, and of course, headed to the bathroom.

I don’t think he suspected anything.

Originally posted 2006-07-12 21:02:00.

Funny, yet informative, post from Regretful Morning pertaining to historic methods for wiping your ass.

9 Bizarre Methods for Ass Wiping

Originally posted 2011-05-15 13:22:00.

I was stopped at a red light waiting on it to change when all of a sudden a guy jumps out of a car nearby with a paper sack on his head with eyes and mouth cut out like a mask pulls down his pants at this busy red light and takes a shit right there. Then jumps back in tha car with someone else driving and halls ass, yes everyone was surprised

Originally posted 2006-08-27 18:35:00.

Well I was playing soccer at my school field on a Saturday and suddenly I had to shit more then I ever had to before. I ran off of the field and desperately headed for the school. All of the doors were locked. I was a mess. My face was red and I had tears pouring out of my eyes. I had about ten seconds before I lost total control. My school had a path that all of the kids run on and it is next to a hill. I went about a foot down the hill right next to the path, dropped my pants and let er rip. The embarrassing part was this was in plain sight of a highway and there were horrified people driving by disgusted. This van full of girls drove by and one gave my a thumbs up! After about five minutes of the most intense shit I had ever taken, I stood up to survey the damage.

HOLY SHIT! There was a river of diarrhea running down the hill onto the road and cars were swerving to avoid it. I have never ran faster in my life because I was sure the cops were coming. I feel sorry for the janitor of who ever had to clean it up. When I got back to the field everyone was looking for me. I realized I had been gone about fifteen minutes. Well my team looked at me and collapsed in hysterical laughter. There was shit running down my leg and I didn’t even notice it. Fortunately I was able to run home and quit. I don’t play soccer anymore!

Originally posted 2007-02-11 08:20:00.

This story is 100% true. My family has a warped sense of humor and these events really happened.
Two of my uncles, lets call them John and Joe, were electricians building a three flat in the city some years ago. At the time, poop humor was a normal part of their entertainment. Joe would plant dookies in strange places around the building where he knew  John would find them, and vice versa. It was good wholesome fun and didn’t require much planning. After all, everybody poops.
Between the first floor and basement of the building there was a large hole that had to be repaired, but the construction workers used the hole to pass tools and material from one floor to the next. One day, John yelled down to joe through the hole, “Joe, catch this box of wire nuts!” So Joe waited patiently beneath the hole to catch it. But the wire nuts never came. What did fall through the hole was a fresh and steamy turd straight from John’s ass. It narrowly missed Joe’s head and landed on the floor with a splat. He was not amused.
The only thing better then poop humor, is poop revenge. Later on that day, Joe went outside, sat bare assed on top of John’s new car and laid a fresh one on the windshield. When John got wind of this he ran outside, jumped into the vehicle and frantically turned on the wipers. As you might imagine, this wasn’t his best idea. Human feces are pasty in texture. Instead of cleaning the mess, the windshield wipers only spread the crap around like a rolling pin. Lesson learned

Originally posted 2010-05-12 21:27:00.