Formerly known as the Shameful Shitter

Thursday, 27 August 2015

I’ll start this off with a little background info on myself. I was at one point in my life a shameful-shitter. If I thought anyone was within earshot of my possible butt blasts, my cornhole would lock up tighter than Alcatraz.

Now, here I was on a 4 day weekend trip with my girlfriend and her family. We all shared one small hotel room the entire time. The bathroom was conveniently located right next to, well basically the entire room. The walls were paper thin and if you made the slightest anal exclamation, it was known to all.

On our first day there we went to a Chicago Fire and Columbus Crew soccer match. Needless to say the bathrooms there were packed and unusable for me. I had eaten the wonderful delicacies offered at sports stadiums and needed to poo as soon as we got back to the hotel. However, it was not to be.

I sit down on the pot and I can hear my girlfriend, her mom, her dad and brothers and sisters all having a conversation right in front of the bathroom door. My butthole was shut tight and refused to let anything out. After a few minutes I gave up on it left the bathroom extremely unsatisfied.

During our entire vacation I believe we visited the busiest places on earth. Because there was not a single deserted bathroom in any building we went to. My lower intestines were rumbling constantly by the last day and I knew bad things were about to happen.

We are driving back to the hotel room on our last night there and a chain of events took place that forever changed me in the eyes of my girlfriends family. With about a 30 minute drive to look forward to my gut starts to cramp up extremely painfully. It wasn’t the normal feeling of the bomb-bay doors needed opened. No. This felt like someone had inflated a weather balloon in my colon.

As we were driving along the most horrible, wretched, lingering farts began to seep out of my behind. Luckily, the had brought the small family dog on this trip and the smell was blamed on her.

About 10 minutes from the hotel I broke out in a cold sweat. Since the dog was being blamed for my horrendous farts I thought about just really letting a few big ones go to relieve some pressure but thought it to be a bad idea because I didn’t want to shit my pants.

With the gut busting amount of poo riding along in side of me, these last 10 minutes to the hotel were the longest 10 minutes of my life.

We park and then walk up to the room. I would have run ahead but, I had to use all of my mental concentration to clamp my buttcheeks closed. I just didn’t have the mental capacity to coordinate running and clenching. So I waddled along with everyone.

As soon as we got to the room I went straight to the bathroom. I pulled down my pants and not 2 seconds after I sat down I let out the most cacophonous sound my ass had ever made. It sounded like wood going through a chipper and the chips being sprayed into a lake. This initial statement silenced all conversation taking place within our room and probably all surrounding rooms as well.

This was only the beginning though. After the first wave of liquid evacuated my bowels, a second wave of about a thousand pea sized morsels fired at high speed from my arse. Between each pellet a loud crack sounding about like the exhaust from an automatic rifle erupted from within me. These first two events left me mentally scarred for life because words CAN NOT describe what this felt/sounded/smelled like.

After a few more audible events I was finished and the toilet was all but ruined for whoever needed it next. This mess took about 4 flushes to get down but it finally left this world.

I walked out of the bathroom to a completely silent and stunned room. Not a single person would look me in the eye. I know the entire room had to smell like my shit. I feel sorry for the people I had to bring along with me for that experience but I can now say I am a much less shameful shitter.

Originally posted 2011-08-21 17:34:00.

The Ring Bearer

Thursday, 27 August 2015

A friend of mine was a ring bearer in a wedding around the age of 10. After the wedding, he had a bit of an accident before he got in the limo. On the way to the next stop, people were complaining about the stench in the vehicle. Fully aware that he was responsible for the putrid odor, he jumped out of the limo at the next stop. A quick check in the gas station bathroom stall confirmed the presence of feces and utter destruction of his boxers. After the brevity of the situation set in he reached for the toilet paper and found none. To clean his ass he was forced to use one of his black tuxedo socks. After wiping his ass with his nylon, ass-scraping TP he disposed of the evidence in the bathroom garbage can. Returning to the limo, he started to think he might get away with the ordeal when someone in the limo asked what happened to his sock. Being 10 years old and not very quick witted he informed the person that “he lost it”. The questioning ceased at the point either because the wedding party was drunk or because everyone realized the cute little ring bearer had pooped his pants.

Originally posted 2008-05-24 11:58:00.

One time at Band Camp…..(no joke)

Wednesday, 26 August 2015

 This one time at band camp (no joke) I was performing in front of thousands of people at the end of the summer. We were just finishing our intro when I felt a sudden urge to release hot stream of brown lava in my pants as I was playing my tuba. It was our biggest performance so I couldn’t leave in the middle of it. We finished one song but the cramps were getting worse. Our instructor said I couldn’t go and I had to wait for the end of the performance. I told him to screw it because I couldn’t hold it any longer. Shit was already slowly coming out of my ass. There weren’t any bathrooms for about 15 minutes. All I could think of was to shit in the tuba. I ran behind the bleachers and I exploded inside the trusted tuba. I ruined my hot pink thong but that was the least of my worries. I didn’t know how to empty it so I tried to blow in it would come out but it didn’t. So I asked my instructor to check if he could get it to work and i lied and said it was stuck because i accidentally dropped my gum in it. He blew in it and the creamy shit flew all over the front row of the audience.

Originally posted 2011-08-22 23:44:24.

A Bad Day to Move Furniture

Wednesday, 26 August 2015

One night I stayed up partying real late at the bar and had a really good steak for dinner at the bar. Well, I went home, passed out and woke up early the next morning to assist my dad with moving some furniture out of my late grandma’s house. I got there around 8 AM and felt my stomach feeling funny. My uncle hadn’t repaired the toilets in the house so there was nowhere to use the restroom. I figured I could hold it till we were finished. That was a bad idea. So we started moving stuff and the pains got worse. I thought I’d mess myself at anytime. We got a bunch of stuff done and I told my dad I had to go now! I ran out of the house and tried to find a place in the woods behind the house. Too late. As I was running, I crapped my pants and there was a horrible smell. I found a hole in the woods and fin! ished relieving myself there. When I was done I had to use leaves to clean up and that took awhile. When I got back my dad asked, “You ok?” I said, “Yeah, I just shit myself though.” Needless to say, no more furniture got moved that day.

Originally posted 2011-08-20 06:22:00.

Perfect Excuse

Tuesday, 25 August 2015

 There I was, in the Walmart, when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to poop. I was pushing my 2 year old son in the basket, and I could tell from the pungent cloud surrounding him that he’d pooped. The bad thing was that I was about to join him in that predicament. I headed for the bathroom at the rear of the store, Before I got there, Taco Bell’s revenge forced its way into the seat of my panties. I stopped before I completely filled my panties, but now both of us stank. I decided to check out in the Electronics section so that I could avoid standing in line in my condition. As she rung up my package of size 6 Pampers, the sales lady smiles at my son and said, smells like someone needs a change. I just nodded and said, someone sure does.

Originally posted 2010-03-30 16:21:00.

Poor guy soils himself at his girlfriend’s parent’s house

Monday, 24 August 2015

Well it all started when he got his girlfriend, Shannon. He was obsessed with her. She kinda controlled his life. It was March 15th 1998 he had the runs. He was on the toilet and Shannon called him on the phone asking him if he could come to dinner but he said he was busy but she begged but he still refused. So Tuesday 2 weeks later he thought it was gone. He explained everything to Shannon and she forgave him, laughing. She said he could make it up to her coming to dinner Friday night, so naturally he accepted. So he got all dressed up (tie and everything) and drove over to his house in his old clunker. Earlier that day he felt some slightly disturbing stomach rumblings but thought nothing of it.(so he thought) Anyway, back to the story. His girlfriend met him at the door, looking nice. They did a lot of smoochy smoochy and finally went in. They caught her little brother, Robbie looking out the peep hole in the door. By the time they were through yelling at him, it was time for dinner and Shane heard the rumbles again. After they said grace they started eating. After the delightful meal, Shannon’s mom and dad were asking Shane about himself. He began to answer when all of the sudden…. BBBBOOOOOOMMMMMMM, it hit him as hard as a rock and it all came out, he was so embarassed. So the next day he saw Shannon at shcool and she said she was braking up with him and her parents forbidded her to see or talk to him. He was then given the phrase, “Shane, Shane the dooky stain.

“Story from Frank’s Poop Page
Hope this is ample enough.

Originally posted 2006-05-03 09:42:00.

Camping Story

Monday, 24 August 2015

So this is true. Happened about 20 yrs ago. We went on a week long camping trip up through the Ozarks. Wife, me and two preteen daughters.  The last night we were camping out I decided we needed to cook and eat up all of our food. We had a great dinner of hamburgers, hot dogs and some chickens all cooked over an open fire.  It was great, along with that last 6 pack of beer I had.

We were the only ones in the state park that night. Kids were in year round school, so this trip was in October. Our campsite was about a 1/2 mile from the restrooms.

Anyway, we ate and I drank, had a good time. Then got settled into our sleeping bags in the tent and went to sleep.

About 4 hours later I woke with stomach cramps, which hit me in waves.  I know too much food and drink, but didn’t think it’d affect me like this. So I shifted, rolled over, in an attempt to alleviate the discomfort, all to no avail. Pain kept getting worse, pressure on the rectum was getting horrible, I started breaking out in a cold sweat. So I quietly slid out of the tent, figured I’d walk over to the restroom, let my system flush itself and then head back to relight the fire and make some coffee.

While heading over the restroom, I tripped on a rock and stumbled. This threw off my rectal concentration and before I knew it I’d shit myself with a load that must of weighed 5 lbs. I’m thinking holy cow, that actually felt good, stomach pains immediately alleviated. So then I figured might as well pee, cause that was also a major need. So now I’m standing in the woods at 5am with poop and pee all over me as if I was a 2 year old. Kind of amazing how good that felt, but that’s a scary thought.

Luckily I had my van keys and was able to get an extra pair of clothes and a towel.  Headed back to the restroom now with the intent to shower, clean up and change. Which I did, but there was no hot water. So I took a freezing shower, got dressed, washed my shit on and peed pants as much as possible, loaded them into a trash bag and stuck them in the bottom of the luggage area of the van.  I made it a point to carry in the bags of clothes we had accumulated and start the washing, so no one realized that one bag was full of my wet pants.

To this day, no one but me knows that happened.

Originally posted 2010-02-25 08:57:00.

The Jogging Incident

Sunday, 23 August 2015

I was jogging around my neighborhood in Strength Shoes (shoes with platforms on the toes designed to build leg muscles) when I began to experience a sharp pain in my stomach. I tried to run it off but after about 5 more minutes, still a 1/2 mile from home, I decided I needed a toilet ASAP! I turned to start running home but the bouncing from my “moon shoes” made the pain unbearable. I found that walking lessened the pain in my stomach, while at the same time increasing the pain experienced by my ego. I walked as fast as I could and got within 4 blocks of home when I ran into a girl I knew. Unable to explain that I didn’t have time to chat because I was going to shit myself, I was forced to speak with her for 5 minutes or so. That 5 minute window did me in. As soon as she walked back into her house, I took off in a full sprint clenching my butt cheeks with not only my sphincter muscles but also my hands. I was within 40 yards of my home and its toilet when I realized that I could hold it no more. I ducked behind a fence and next to a garbage can, unleashed a foul, brown, putrid slush all over the homeowner’s driveway, splashing and spraying my Strength Shoes and legs in the process. Once I unloaded, I quickly sprinted home to finish the job and clean my $150 shoes. I can only imagine that man’s horror when he went to take his garbage out that week.

Originally posted 2006-06-08 14:54:00.

College Poop Story

Sunday, 23 August 2015

One night while I was in college, my roommates and I were out at the bar when a girl I knew and her friends toilet papered our apartment. They were able to do this because we were trusting (perhaps slightly naive) individuals and left our door unlocked. When we got back and started cleaning up the toilet paper, I decided that I should return it to them … with the only logical “present” that I could think of … the very thing that toilet paper is used for … a big pile of shit. This took some preparation. I brewed a pot of coffee and ate a few Taco Bell bean burritos before bringing the toilet paper into the bathroom. I laid it on the floor, hovered over it, and dropped the smelliest shit I’ve ever been around. It was my own poop but, still, I thought I was going to vomit. We put the “present” and toilet paper in a brown paper bag to return it to the ladies. Then brought the bag into their apartment. We told them that we forgave them for toilet papering our home but that we wanted to return the TP to them due to its rising cost (inflation). We explained that we thought they would simply want it back. It took about 1.5 seconds for them to figure out what was going on (possibly the rancid smell that was wilting the flowers in their apartment or the fact that toilet paper, even that much, does not weigh 6 lbs), and we bolted as fast as we could. Surprisingly, she and her accomplices didn’t think it was nearly as funny as we did.

Originally posted 2009-09-28 11:59:00.

B-I-N-GO in my pants

Saturday, 22 August 2015

My story is quite a bit more common than most people think. It was a Friday night and I was playing bingo with my girlfriend when my earlier consumed fish fry took a turn for the worst. I dashed for the restroom and attempted to relieve the trout back to the oceans when an unexpected cramp expelled some mushy wet turd balls before I could get my self properly fixated on the seat. The remnants of hurricane Linda left the stall in a total brown out. I cleaned myself up as best as I could, as to not miss too many bingo games, and returned to play.

As I played on my girlfriend apparently new something wasn’t right because she started to gag, and dry heeve when she discovered the dabber she was using to play bingo had a rotten stench to it. A closer look revealed that it had some fecal matter , probably from my poorly cleaned fingers’ on it. I must of accidently grabbed her bingo dabber and left my scent on it. Well, suffice to say, my girlfriend ran into the bathroom that I just totally destroyed and realized what I did, she abruptly left me at the hall and I had to call my sister Nancy to pick me up. Good news though, I got away from the mess clean and clear and also won 20.00 at bingo!!

Originally posted 2007-04-30 14:49:00.