I was ok when I left work and got in the car. A few minutes later, stuck in slow traffic, I realized I would need to get to a restroom soon. The hotel was about a 45 minute drive, normally, but through a stretch of bad neighborhoods. I figured I could make it.
I decided to call a friend because I thought that talking might distract me (and my bowels) from my discomfort. It worked for a while, but then after I hung up I had about 15 minutes to go. I kept telling myself, I’ve been in the situation many times, and that often the urge just “goes away”.
This urge wasn’t going away. It was a steady pressure and I knew I was in trouble. I kept thinking, just 5 more exits, 4 more exits, 3 or exits … I told myself, of course I would make it. I’ve never shat my pants before, I never did it while sitting down, I never did it while driving. I suddenly realized though that my butt knew I was getting close to the hotel, because it started relaxing and going into countdown mode!
I kept thinking, this is ridiculous, absurd … a healthy grown man shitting his pants. It doesn’t happen. It … does … not … happen.
With one exit to go, the poop began oozing out. I was thinking, ok so it’s just a little. A little poop isn;t bad, I can clean that up.
But then, my butt goes into full launch. I can;t stop it now. Others describe the oozing as being like toothpaste being squeezed from the body, and that’s exactly what it feels like. It runs down one pant leg. It just keeps on coming. I think, ok maybe it will stay in the boxers, and I can run to the hotel room. but it keeps coming.
I look at my crotch and begin seeing the wet spots. I am now in survival mode. I’m thinking of how I can get to the hotel room now, how to get by the front desk and other hotel guests in the lobby. WHat if I have to ride up the elevator with another hotel guest? Feeling total desperation now.
I have an idea. I figure the underwear took the brunt of the assault. Can I pull over to a secluded area and throw out the underwear, then wear just the slightly stained pants?
I givit it a try. I stopped at an empty corporate park, thank you recession, and get out of the car. Immediately, the poop falls down my leg. And I am completely stained. I realize I can’t maneuver now and still, people can see me.
I decide that the only way is get myself and my load back up to the hotel room. But now I am obviously soiled and if anyone sees me, they will know what’s up.
One more good idea. I was wearing an undershirt, so I took off the outer shirt and tied it around my waste. Now no one can tell! But the poop is getting cold and running down to my ankles. I decide to roll up my pants tightly to stop the ooze. I can feel a clump down there now, near the pants roll.
I get back to the hotel and decide I will simply make a run for it to the hotel room. I would use the stairs, not the hotel. I look and smell like a homeless person now, with just one pant leg rolled up and a short messily tied around my waist. I am limping too like a homeless person.
My fear is that the front desk or nosy guest will ask to see my ID. But, I had to just make my move.
In my first stroke of luck of the day, there is no front desk person. I run up the stairs and get to my 3rd floor hotel room. I never felt so relieved in my life to get to the hotel room safely.
When I remove my pants, I see the most disgusting mess of poop vomit I have ever seen in my life. It’s like someone threw up shit everywhere in my crotch.
As I cleaned up my underwear and pants in the bathtub, I think of the scene from Pulp fiction where they clean up the brain parts from the car. I want to remove every bit of evidence and throw my clothes in the wash as soon as possible.
I put on some dry clothes and start the wash. To my amazement, the wash removes all traces of feces and wet stains. The perfect crime.
Originally posted 2010-04-07 21:39:00.