Yes there is a part 2. How can there be a part 2? Well let’s just say in part one, I never really figured out why that whole thing happened in the first place. Well in part 2 I did figure it out!
All I can say is it wasn’t that crazy Texas water after all.
So a week later. Same friend and I decide we should go on another mtn bike journey to a different mountain. Like I said I was really into mountain biking at this time.
We show up at the a really green beautiful day. Start riding up these switch backs. We get about 10 miles in. One of the longest trails I have ever ridden. I am thinking how fun the ride back is going to be when suddenly my chain on my bike gets caught and snaps. It completely broke in two, I forget exactly how this happened, but I couldn’t believe it at the time.
I started cursing my bike. I cannot go any further. Just then as I am swearing at my bike, my stomach begins to rumble…. just like it did last week.
‘OH NO’ I thought, ‘NOT AGAIN’. I look at my chain in horror. ‘I guess I can coast back it would be all downhill from here.’ Then I remembered I had about 15 minutes before it would become unbearable like it was last time. I look at my friend and say.
“Dude I can’t believe it, but it is happening again.”
“What is happening again?”
“If I don’t get out of here right now I am going to shit myself.”
“No way man, you are just nervous or something cuz your chain broke, come smoke some of this stuff here with me.”
“Dude you aren’t listening I gotta go now!”
That’s when he really pissed me off, cuz he turned his back and walked away smoking in the wilderness.
I began my long descent coasting. The cramp pains became intense and then more intense. Then they would subside. It was an odd sensation, coasting was enjoyable, but then the pain would intrude suddenly, and I would squint hard trying to pay attention not to fall off the cliffs on either side of the treacherous trail.
After the long descent and through switchbacks in the wilderness. I arrived at the parking lot and saw the bathroom. I was about ready to shit myself there. I began to run to the bathroom. Then the most unexpected thing happened, unfathomable that something could deter me, at this point, by being any more unbearable itself. But there it was. An invisible force field of the foulest shit smell I have ever smelled in my life, emanating from the bathroom that I MUST USE.
Not only am I about to shit, but as I take one step in the shit force field. It is as if the shit smell penetrates my cells and forces me to begin vomiting.
I actually have to step back and cramp my ass cheeks together hard as the ringing in my intestines reaches peak PAIN threshold. SHIT.SHIT.SHIT.SHIT. I realize I have to go to my car and leave. I turn and look for my friend and he is finally making it down the hill.
Then I think better of it and try the bathroom one more time. I get within the threshold and it happens again, I start to vomit the smell is so gross!
“Ok the hell with this lets go man I can’t use that bathroom, lets go.”
So I start frantically driving. At the end of the road to the beginning of the highway is a fire station.
I get out and begin banging on the fire station door.
No one answers! I bang and bang and bang. No one is here how can no one be here!
I am wasting precious time. The shit is going to come.
I hop in my car. I begin driving to the only place I know that will have a bathroom.
A pizza place. 30 minutes away…….
At this moment it seemed infinity.
I actually started crying tears from the pain in my intestines. My friend thought this was intensely funny and began laughing out loud.
I think I sang to myself while driving like a lullaby I was making up to try to ease the pain.
Also should be noted this is the most dangerous road in CA to be driving on. People die here all the time driving. I had to pay attention and it was really difficult.
Anyways I made it to the stupid pizza place. There was a kids birthday party going on. I literally stepped over the heads of munchkins partying to get into the bathroom. Thank GOD no one was using the toilet. I would have shit in the sink at that point.
I sat on the toilet and let the hail mary of all shits out. Lifted my legs up even. Straight out of DUMB N DUMBER SHIT. Tears coming out of my eyes.
Weirdest thing is that once it was gone, I felt completely fine.
So moral of the story kids… CLEAN YOUR CAMEL PACK. If you do not clean it, you will get amoebas growing in there that will make your intestines turn inside out in the middle of no where.
Originally posted 2011-08-25 06:11:24.