Fanuel Manure – A Desperate Poop Story

Thursday, 30 July 2015

It was a nice evening in Boston’s Fanuel Hall until the inevitable happened and this is how it unfolded. My wife and I had just finished a great dinner in the North End and headed back towards Fanuel Hall for some shopping. Anyone that knows Boston knows that it is a little bit of a walk back to Fanuel Hall from Hanover St. So, as we are walking I feel this pressure in my lower bowels that tells me there is going to be an exit of the Italian seafood I had inhaled about an hour ago sometime within the next five to ten minutes. I let my wife know that we should pick up the pace or I will most likley embarass the hell out As it turns out increasing the pace of our walk only sped up the movement in my GI system. All of a sudden I was froced to come to a halt because I could have sworn I had just been shot in the stomach with a 45 auto mag handgun. Negative, just the shit pains in my bowels. I then crossed my legs, started to sweat like a whore in church before confession and squeezed my ass cheeks together like I was trying my damndest to turn coal to diamond. The sensation passed somewhat. Enough time to find a friggen bathroom…..I thought. Come to find that the Dunkin Donuts did not have a bathroom. That’s when things took a turn for the worse…… the middle of Fanuel Hall.

That irreversible shit cramp that can be best desribed as a pair of hit men going to work on my insides with a pair of vice grips and a blowtorch and that no matter how hard you squeeze the train is going to make it through the gates. I look at my wife and state in a loud fashion, “I gotta go right now!!!” I RAN to the nearest door and opened it only to find a stair case leading upwards (no chance) and a five star resturaunt door. I chose the restraunt. As I dashed through the resturaunt I made horrific noises out of my balloon knot that were not only loud and offensive but equal to in stench pier 9 on a ninety degree August day. I made it to the bathroom and the liquid shit is running through my asshole like a broken 18 inch water main. I slam the door to the single person bathroom, whip my pants down and splatter the entire toilet and a circumference of about 3 feet with crap. This was done with a loud fart taht sounded like a volcanic eruption. My underwear looks looked it was splattered with a chunky dunkachino from Dunkin Donuts, the toilet and wall resemble the bathroom of a crack house in Camden NJ. Not exactly typical for a five star resturaunt. and the smell can be best described as a bag of garbage left out in the sun for two weeks and then opened in a small environment. My underwear went right into the rubbish, I washed the lower half of my body in the sink with paper towels and tossed them into the rubbish, washed my pants out and put them on wet. When I opened the door to leave the bar tender had the look of fear in his eyes either from laughing or crying (not sure) and as I turned around half of the resturaunt was looking at me in horror and probably wondering why I am not sporting them their meals. The bar tender opened the door for me which led into a back alley and locked the door. After an hour I found my way back to my wife and took the trip home with a little less pride.

Originally posted 2007-06-18 10:14:00.

Japanese Pooping Cartoon with Subtitles!

Thursday, 30 July 2015

This is the funniest video I have seen in a while but be careful where you watch it. Some of the subtitles are quite descriptive.


Originally posted 2007-11-19 10:28:00.

Before I go….

Wednesday, 29 July 2015

I just got home when I got a call from my boss about a raise. I jumped into the car and drove to CanJet. I walked out of my car and into the building. At that time my stomach started hurting, I ignored it. I walked into the office and dropped my suitcase on the floor, it opened and a few things fell out. I picked them up and sat down. This is where things got interesting. We had a long talk. “Before Ì go…“ I said. Then my bowels started. The gas came out big time! Then came the diareah all over the guest chair. Then came the pee that I couldn’t hold in. My boss looked at me. I ran off… When I went back to work. I heard people saying “Did you hear that she shit herself yesterday“ as they were pointing at me. I quit a few days later.

Originally posted 2009-09-27 18:10:00.

Doctor knows best

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

I had to go have an ultrasound and sonogram (internal), to discover how bad the endometriosis was and how it was effecting my insides. The appointment was very early in the morning, and I slept in late, so I had a bagel and went on my merry little way.
At the doctors I started to feel my tummy rumble a little. I didn’t think anything of it because I hadn’t eaten a real breakfast and was nervous about the diagnosis. So when it was my turn, I was in for a surprise.
The appointment when an hour longer then necessary. While they filled me up with fluids, I felt that similar rumble in my tummy. The doctor told me to use the restroom, and I told her I would be fine.
It wasn’t until I got home that shit hit the wall (literally).
I was out front of my parents house talking to my grandpa on the phone. My parents left to go to an auction, when it hit me. And I mean it HIT me. The cold sweats, the clenching of the meat cheeks, the heavy breathing… Everything. I tried to get off the phone, but my grandpa wouldn’t stop talking. I finally hung up on him, telling myself I would tell him my phone died.
I ran to the side door and grabbed the handle,keeping my thighs as close and as tight as I could. The door was locked. I waddled to the back door, having to stop every ten seconds because of the abuse on my chocolate starfish. The back door was locked. At this point, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to make it. I sat on the ground trying as hard as I could to keep it in, then decided it was time.
I started walking towards the back corner of the back yard, cheeks clenched and ass sticking out. Everything from my belly button down hurt. About halfway to the corner, it started. Liquid flowed from my ass crack and there was nothing I could to stop it. At this point I was sobbing, asking myself “WHY!?” over and over. I made it to the corner of the yard and it looked like someone sprayed a fire extinguisher full of shit all over the side of my parents shed. The worst part was, I have never seen ANYTHING in my life that green. I thought it was going to burn through the metal on the shed and leave holes in the ground. Straight up looked like melted pistachio ice cream mixed with green food coloring.
I squatted in the corner crying my eyes and asshole out for about ten mins, until I decided I was finished. It was EVERYWHERE! All over my pants, my leg, the shed, the ground… I was so pissed off at my parents for locking their doors. I knew I needed to take a shower, so I went around the house trying to force doors open. It was then I realized there was a window open. I hosed myself down a little so I wouldn’t drip acid green ass vomit all over the floor.
Ad I ed in through the window, my moms dog started growling at me. Pissed off at the world, I screamed at the top of my lungs… “SHUT UP I JUST SHIT MY PANTS!!” He tucked his tail between his legs, seemingly feeling sorry for me.
I ripped my clothes off and shoved them in the washing machine, and took a shower. When I came out, my parents were home. The first thing my mom said?
“What smells like shit?”

Originally posted 2010-05-28 15:17:00.

First Date Poop Story

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

The first time I had my present girlfriend over I thought I would be slick and make her dinner. For the most part I am only capable of making lasgna so, we had lasgna. I spent a couple hours getting everything set so when she got there everything was perfect. We sat down, ate and everything went well. After dinner we elected to go get a few drinks at nearby bar. When we returned we, for the most part, went directly to bed. A few hours later I woke up to my girlfriend getting out of bed and going in to the bathroom. I drifted back to sleep and about a minute later was awakened by what I thought was a freighter taking port in my bathroom. The sound frightened me in a way that made me considering either jumping under my bed or perhaps out the window. When I regained my composure I decided the best way to handle the situation was to pretend I was still asleep. She came back to bed a couple minutes later and I drifted off just to be awakened by another, larger freighter docking in my bathroom. In a moment of panic I forgot to fake being asleep and met her eyes as she came out. Come to find out she is lactose intolerant and ate the lasgna just to be nice. She is truly a better person than me.

Originally posted 2006-05-09 21:00:00.

My hellish flight to Australia

Monday, 27 July 2015

Nobody knows this story to this day… until now!

I was 18, and just about to go on my gap year to Australia. I was needless to say a little nervous at travelling alone for the first time (and the fact that it was a 23 hour journey from the UK where I live), and so, as they often do in nervous situations, my bowels were definitely not themselves.

My dad drove me to the airport and suggested we get dinner before I went through to departures. I (foolishly) agreed. I chose a steak with a creamy peppercorn sauce off the menu and it was lovely. I though “ah thats better. I feel good now. No need to worry.” How very wrong I was…

I got on the plane and all was well for about 4 hours, until suddenly I felt the dreaded stomach clench. I started to sweat uncontrollably and knew that the worst was yet to come.

A stroke of luck hit at that point- being so early on in the journey there was no queue for the toilet. So I gingerly got up and slowly walked, cheeks clenched, to the toilet. I sat down and let out some absolutely hideous farts that smelt of rotten fish before feeling an odd sensation on my ass. I looked down, horrified, instead of shit coming from my ass there was a clear ‘super-glue-esque’ substance dripping down into the toilet that smelt to high heaven! I looked to my right to see that there was no toiler paper! WHY ON EARTH WAS THERE NO TOILET PAPER AT THE START OF THE FLIGHT?!?!?! I quickly improvised by using the tissues left on the basin for blowing your nose, ignoring the ‘do not flush these tissues’ sign and with horror wiped the sticky, stinking mess from my ass. I thought all would be ok now but the farts kept on coming. I got up and left the toilet and went back to my seat, leaving stinking farts all the way down the isle.

During the flight I made 6 journeys to the toilet to face this fishy hell and when I finally arrived to Australia 19 hours after the first BM I was a sweaty, fishy mess.

TOP TIP… Never EVER decide that eating to settle a bad stomach is a good idea. Especially before an international flight!

Originally posted 2011-05-05 08:31:00.

Bad Day for Brownies

Monday, 27 July 2015

My day was planned, i was going to my boyfriends at 1pm. Unforunately at 12:55 i got up and felt a horrible bowel movement coming on. I needed a dump BADLY! I walked carefully to the bathroom while feeling my gut exploding inside. I had reached the bathroom but no toilet paper!!! I then once again carfully went upstairs and said to my little brother “i really hope we have toilet paper!” as i walked down stairs i farted a lot in a gross noise, i mean gross!

As i reached the bathroom i lifted my skirt up (easier) and plummeted onto the seat farting out bits of gunge, then i felt the big one, with no effort a massive log came out of me. That was finally over, i got to my boyfriends at about  in the end because all the cleaning up i had to do. It weren’t over though as i felt so much pressure in my lower body, i had to fart, i knew that it was one of those quiet ones so i let it rip.

Mistake! It stunk! Luckily he didn’t ask but i know that he knew i did it. I lied saying that i must leave to babysit my brother, he just said ok. I quickly left in a hurry knowing that i was gonna shit myself as my stomach was gurguling insanly. When i got in i tried clenching my arse as i couldn’t stop these violent farts from coming out. But then it turned from bad to worse, i had made a mess, poo came running down my legs as i did not have tight underwear on, the whole accident itself lasted at least half a minute and it was a very noisey poo, i was kind of squatting and cursing. There was a lot to clean up, and thankfully none of my family realized. I got rid of my skirt and my panties.
That was the worst poo experiance that i have ever had to do!!!

Originally posted 2010-01-26 07:36:00.

Quick and Dirty Shitty Story

Sunday, 26 July 2015

When I was four years old I was out on the playground playing with my friends when I was hit by the urge. Being a four year old kid and, unwilling to walk away from my important game of tag, I did not cease to the warning and continued to play. After the inevitable transpired I was naturally approached by my teacher to find out what was the matter. After careful deliberation I looked up and explained to my teacher that it wasn’t actually me that shit their pants…..It was her. Needless to say she didn’t buy it..

Originally posted 2006-11-13 08:06:00.

Same Shit, Different Day

Sunday, 26 July 2015

So, I was at work in the newsroom in Los Angeles, talking on the phone with an associate on the East Coast. I had a violent sneeze for which I apologized. In the next few seconds I realized something had gone terribly wrong. I exclaimed, “I gotta go!” when, apparently, I already had. And it wasn’t just a small leakage of the rectal cavity it was a full-blown explosion the covered not just the crack, but my ass cheeks, as well. When I arose from my Herman Miller chair, I realized that my underpants were soaked and it was leaking down my legs, infusing my Levi’s 501′s. I made it to the bathroom as fast as I could to rip off the clothing. It took nearly a roll of toilet paper to clean-up the initial damage. The underwear were a total loss and were stashed at the bottom of the bathroom garbage. Then using some paper towels and water, I cleaned the 501′s the best I could. I re-dressed, sans underwear, and headed for home calling my friend to explain what happened. He was laughing so hard he almost shit himself! When I arrived at home I realized the shit had had also tainted T-Shirt. I took off the close and hosed them down in the alley, before putting them in the washing machine. I threw myself in the shower and was back at work before anyone knew I was gone. Give new meaning to the phrase, “Same Shit, different day!”

Originally posted 2009-01-07 09:56:00.

Poop….. A Love Story.

Saturday, 25 July 2015

A few years back, I ended a long term relationship with a girl whom I thought would eventually become my wife.  We met in high school and dated for almost 8 years, but things and people change and we went our separate ways.  As all good friends do, they constantly wanted me to come out to the bars in hopes of getting me laid and help me through the “moving on” phase. It definately helped, but this was only fun for so long.

Complaining one day to a co-worker about my situation, she suggested I try one of those online dating services and recommended EHarmony, as this site was how she and her current boyfriend had met.  I agreed to give it a try and within a few weeks I was dating.

I had met a girl with whom I shared many common interests and we eventually started talking on the phone.  Things were going great and it was finally time to move on to the next phase and meet face to face.  We set a date to meet for dinner on the following Friday night.

Friday came and I went to lunch with a few friends from work anticipating my date later that night.  Hindsight is always 20/20 as I reflect back on that fateful night and the food choices I had made at lunchtime.  We had gone to a Chinese restaurant and unfortunately for me, I ate one too many egg rolls.  Not thinking ahead about what Chinese does to my insides and the farts that the cabbage in egg rolls causes, I stuffed my face.

That night I suited up and was off to my date.  On the way to the restaurant I began to suffer severe gas pains and stunk up my car with the rancid and violent farts I was letting.  I knew I should have sat on the toilet before leaving my house, but I was running a little late.

We met, had drinks and the conversation was going great when all of the sudden I had to fart.  “Oh Jesus, not now” echoed in my head.  In hopes of her not hearing the fart I squeezed my butt cheeks  together as tight as I could and let it fly. I pushed out for nearly 5 seconds before I realized that….. IT WASN’T AIR.  Having just filled my boxers with excrement, I excused myself and made a bee-line for the restroom.  Crap oozed down my legs on the way to the bathroom and I wanted to cry.  I threw my boxers in the trashcan, cleaned off my suit pants the best I could(luckily my suit was black), and devised a story.

I returned to the table and told her my mother had called while I was in the restroom and informed me that my sister had been in a car accident.  I told her I had to go, threw down a fifty, and headed for home.  I called the next day and apologized and she seemed to understand.  We dated for a about month before I finally told her what had happened on that horrible first date.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make her laugh that loud again!!!!  We continued to date and eventually got married and are expecting our first child next month.  Lesson learned—Pooping your pants doesn’t always end badly.

Originally posted 2010-05-20 22:59:00.