Shitty Stories

Legend of the Bathroom Bandit

admin — Sun, 20 May 2012 00:04:06 +0000

Many people are afraid to poop at school, I don’t know why. I guess you could call it a phobia of sorts. Walking in the bathroom, you look to see people with there shoes off so you can only see there socks so you can’t identify them by there shoes, knowing you would make fun of them for taking the dump. I am not one of those people.
I have taken remarkable dumps, ones to be remembered, urinals, principals office, even the floor.
Well one day I had to poop I didn’t hide it, I told my p.e. teacher I had to squeeze one out like a chinchilla in heat, so he dismissed me to the bathroom just laughing at what I said.
I made it to the bathroom, but I didn’t really feel like doing it in the toilet, or the urinal. The floor was a choice, but what excitement is that after doing it a few times? I decided, the sink was the one for me. I dropped my draws, cheeks to the sink, it was one of those ones where you move your hands and the water goes, so needless to say I used it as a bum washer. The turd was big, smelled funky, and it was brown. It was a good sized turd, moderate in size, I was laughing so hard I couldnt finish pooping, I washed my butthole and got out of there.
Well, I was in the office later that day and I heard a janitor come in screaming at the top of his lungs “god damn kids!” something of that non-sense, I think this was the only time I ever made someone quit there job. It was amazing, I felt so good about it, especially because I was never caught. Only leading to the legend of the bathroom bandit.

Bathroom Bandit

Originally posted 2006-11-08 08:14:00.

Her Burning Shit Story

admin — Sat, 19 May 2012 19:53:12 +0000

As you may already know, i have a severe addiction to diet coke. On Sunday, I came to realize we had run out of it only after i had returned from Georgios with a delicious piece of tomatoe and pesto pizza. I ate the pizza accompanied by a glass of water but found this unsatisfying, so after i was finished I decided it was a very crucial matter for me to acquire a can of dc so i began the trek to 7-11. In my haste for that nutra-sweet, i forgot to consider that I had been unable to eat any amount of food for the past 2 weeks without a dash to the bathroom immediately after its consumption. As i walked to the store, my stomach began to rumble, but i thought its only 2 blocks… ill make it. By the time i reached the stores parking lot, the cramping had set in. I knew it was a matter of urgency but my need for diet coke prevented me from turning around and making the mad dash home. I walked in 3 people in line… no big deal.. ill be in and out. I thought of grabbing a little snack while i was there for later but after i close the cooler door i knew there was no time…. I reached the counter… and was confronted with the biggest loser hippy employee 7-11 has ever seen. He tormented each customer as they came… and had no sense of urgency in his dealings. I waited what felt like 4 minutes… pondering where the nearest toilet would be… i knew there was not one in 7-11… i eyed the parking structure across the street… could i really take the chance? Finally it was my turn, i threw the money at the cashier and made a split decision…my only chance was to make it home. I walked/ran home at an unprecedented speed. Ran in the back door… only to hear the voice of a male on the porch… could i really risk a boy coming upstairs after i had eleviated myself.. the answer was yes… i ran up the stairs only to hear another male friend’s voice in my roommmates bedroom just inches from the bathroom… knowing this boy the way i do.. i knew it would not be safe to shit in his vicinity, surely a comment would be made if he discovered what i had just done….. so i ran in the bathroom, grabbed a roll of toilet paper (thank god i had the foresight) and headed the bathroom downstairs… no one ever goes down there.. i would be safe. I flipped the switch to the bathroom… it began to flicker.. and as i rushed in, it turned out. I could not shit in the pitch black.. that ifelt was just asking for trouble… but what could i do?… i couldnt go back upstairs… i would need a new light bulb… and FAST. i rushed around the basement looking for lite that had easy access…. as there was only 2 to choose from i chose the one without a fixture over it. I couldnt turn the light out before i ripped it out of its socket bc the light switch was upstairs and hter ewas certainly no time to rush back to the top of the stairs.. so i grabbed a stray shirt from the dryer to use to shield my hand from the burns that would surely be delivered if i touched it with my barehand. I unscrewed it and in my frantic state shifted it from the the hand with the tshirt to the other scolding my fingers… but there was no time for burn treatment so i ran into the dark bathroom… and was confronted with a light fixture hanging by several oddly placed screws… i ripped the screws out, i dont even think i turned them and screwed the new light bulb on with the speed of an electrician. Finally i sat on the toilet,.. while at the same time nursing my burnt hand….

Originally posted 2009-10-16 09:20:00.

This is what happens in hotel beds….

admin — Sat, 19 May 2012 15:48:21 +0000

It was my first day of a really cool job. Boss had me fly into Kansas City the day before, because he was a having a Happy Hour celebration for his sales teams and wanted to intro me.

At the Happy Hour we all ate, drank margaritas till our eyes turned green , sucked up nachos and greasy pub foods for at least 5 hours. Luckily the hotel was next door so I didn’t have to drive.

The next morning, I woke around 5:30 am, somewhat surprised that I didn’t have a killer hangover. I needed to meet my new boss around 9am. I had plenty of time to lounge around bed, doze off, drink coffee, shower, shave, shit..you know get all prepped for a day of HR, paper signing, orientations, meet and greets.

Knowing it was still early, I decided to stay in bed another hour. I did though get up make a small hotel room pot of coffee, drank a cup and went back to bed.

Bad mistake. At first I started to fart. Okay I thought, let a few pass through, then went back to sleep. While asleep or in a semi unconscious state I farted again and didn’t realize but it was actually a nice liquid propelled shart which in turn lead to serious of margarita infused sharts which to led to a full blown episode of shit in the bed.

While not hungover, my drinking and eating from the night before had hit me in the gut. I was still somewhat drunk and didn’t realize what I was doing. Somewhere between sleep, dreaming and being half awake, I was convinced that all I was doing was enjoying a few post alcohol farts.

When I finally woke up. I was amazed at the smell of my few farts. Still not realizing I had had a case of the runs. I climbed out of bed and started to walk to the bathroom when I felt something wet and icky drip down from my ass on my leg. Putting two and two together I turned on the light and too my horror realized there was shit all over the sheets.

Damnn it was bad and then my gut rumbled again and let loose on the carpet. I had a case of good ole uncontrollable shits!

Made it to the bathroom, dripping shit all the way. Got cleaned up. Spent some time on the pot, was lucky to realize that it was an isolated incident, as my gut only wanted to get rid of the crap I ate and drank.

Regarding the bed sheets, I pulled them off the bed. The mattress cover had absorbed only a little. I piled the sheets up near the bathroom. When I left I put a note on them apologizing and left a $10 tip.

When I got to work that morning, I found out that 3 of the 7 at the party had called in sick with stomach problems. I think now there must of been some bad food served.

Luckily I was there for only one day and didn’t have to go back to the hotel.

Originally posted 2010-04-24 21:50:00.

9 Bizarre Methods for Ass Wiping

admin — Sat, 19 May 2012 11:38:39 +0000

Funny, yet informative, post from Regretful Morning pertaining to historic methods for wiping your ass.

9 Bizarre Methods for Ass Wiping

Originally posted 2011-05-15 13:22:00.

Max’s Opera House Round Robin Explosion

admin — Sat, 19 May 2012 07:07:28 +0000

Many years ago, my brother Peter and I went out with some friends to Max’s Opera House Cafe in San Francisco. We all ate a sh*tload (excuse the pun) and if you’ve ever been to Max’s, you know you have to have the strawberry shortcake for dessert. Each “slice” is basically a whole cake pan, slathered in whipped cream and a whole basket of strawberries. Being young and gluttonous, we all got one and despite being full even before dessert was ordered, we packed it in.

That said, we paid up with the waiter, loosened our belts and headed over the the bookstore next door, aptly named “A Clean Well Lighted Place for Books.” We all hung out there for a while, reading books, magazines, etc until I felt a piercing pain in my gut. Did I mention I’m lactose intolerant? Did I mention I’m also masochistic and can’t avoid cream?!

In a cold sweat, I ditch my magazine and run back to Max’s past the line of people waiting straight for the men’s room. Inside the bathroom a quick survey of the situation reveals my horror. Two urinals, one stall, and it’s occupied, by someone wearing the same shoes as my brother. He’s doing a jackson pollock to the stall and laughing his ass off when he hears me moaning.

“Use the sink!” he says. I’m practically crying I’m in so much pain. “You got to get out of there!” I plead with him. “But I’m not done yet.” he chuckles. Being geeks, we agree to “Round Robin” (take turns) splattering the stall. It wasn’t pretty, and I’m sure we revolted any bystanders, which there were, but we were suffering tunnel vision.

Turns out my brother was also lactose intolerant, felt the same pain in the bookstore and beat my by a couple seconds to the stall. I’m proud to report, that all underwear survived the incident (we’ll get into those stories later) and that we needed only two rotations in the stall to finish everything up. Thankfully the sink went unscathed.

Props to Max’s for serving up some serious whipped cream on the shortcake, The bookstore for always being there when we have gas, and any innocent bystanders we may have hurt.

Peter and Paul

Originally posted 2007-07-05 10:09:00.

Fake Flusher…

admin — Sat, 19 May 2012 02:52:12 +0000

As a female, the most horrific thing that can happen is the combination of a bad pooping experience combined with that particular time of the month.

I was in a public restroom and had just finished having a good shit, when I discovered there was only one or two squares of toilet paper in my stall. That’s a bummer considering I also had my period. I used what was there and then waited till I heard the last person leave, and quickly waddled over to an adjoining stall, pants around my ankles, to retrieve several fistfulls of additional paper. Once I felt I had properly cleaned myself and was ready to pull up my knickers, lo and behold, the flusher wouldn’t budge. What the…?

I looked at what lay in the bowl, and it can best be described as pure carnage. Imagine the awfulness of the average dump, combined with so much blood that it looked like the slaughtering of someone’s actual bowels took place in the bowl.

Thank God Almighty I was still alone in the restroom at this time and I made a lightning quick decision. I would hoist up my pants and get out of the stall as quickly as possible before anyone else came in. Imagine someone waiting on you while you exit your stall, and then trying to explain why they cannot use that toilet.

Just in time I made it to the sink and was washing my hands when a drove of women came in and proceeded to fill all the stalls. But not before I first confidently informed them that they should avoid that particular stall. I said that some foul individual had not flushed the toilet after they used it. One woman looked in and shrieked. ”What the?…..How disgusting!” Another looked in and swore. ”What are people coming to these days?”, another one wondered. I wholeheartedly agreed with them all while I finished drying my hands, never having once lied while completely getting away with my predicament.

Originally posted 2010-03-18 21:43:00.

College Poop Story

admin — Fri, 18 May 2012 22:27:54 +0000

A girl I knew in college and her friends toilet papered our room when we were gone, becuase we were trusting (perhaps slightly naive) individuals and left our door unlocked. When we got back and started cleaning up the toilet paper, I decied that I should return it to them … with the only logical “present” that I could think of … the very thing that toilet paper is used for … a big pile of shit. I brewed a pot of coffee, ate a few Taco Bell bean burritos, brought the toilet paper in the bathroom, layed it on the floor, hovered over it, and dropped the smelliest shit I’ve ever been around. It was my own poop, but I thought I was going to vomit. We put the “present” and toilet paper in a brown paper bag to return it to the ladies, and brought the bag into their apartment. We told them that we forgave them for toilet papering our room, but wanted to bring the TP back to them, due to the rising cost of TP (inflation) and that we thought they would simply want it back. It took about 1.5 seconds for them to figure out what was going on (possibly the rancid smell that was wilting the flowers in their apartment or the fact that TP does not weigh 6 lbs), and we bolted as fast as we could. Surprisingly, she and her acomplises, didn’t think it was nearly as funny as we did.

Originally posted 2009-09-28 11:59:00.

Lego Toilet Paper Dispenser

admin — Fri, 18 May 2012 18:17:24 +0000

A brilliant yet almost useless invention!

Originally posted 2007-07-07 20:04:00.

Morning Story

admin — Fri, 18 May 2012 14:14:07 +0000

I had been suffering with salmonella for acouple of days. I don’t know if salmonella has the same affect on everyone, butone of the side-effects it gave me was the complete inability to control myfarts, or in other words, – which tells the story better I couldn’t help followingthrough.

Anyway I was supposed to be going out with mygirlfriend one Friday night for a meal, then sleep the night at hers, howeverdue to my condition I was seriously considering cancelling it. I knew she’d be disappointedso I went ahead with it,… big mistake! Just a note she wasn’t aware of mycondition at this time, as I was a little embarrassed for obvious reasons.

We went to a local Indian Restaurant for tea, -yes I know asking for trouble at the best of times. The food to me tasted a bitdodgy and I knew my stomach/ intestine/s (big and small one) weren’t going tobe in agreement.

Anyway I am standing at the counter waiting to payfor us both, – you see the gent I am, when I feel the early signs coming on.She’d just nipped into the toilet so if I moved quickly, now was my chance todo the deed. I declined this opportunity…, how would I regret it!

Where about a stones throw from her house when thesituation becomes critical!

As sods law would have it the shortcut to herhouse has been blocked off due to construction work. Now I’ve had it.

We either take the diversion (of about mile) thelikely result of this being I shit my pants.

Or take option to clamber over a five-foot wall,again likely result I shit my pants!

Not an ideal situation by anyone’s standards!

I choose the latter as I figured if it’s going tohappen it might as well happen quickly!

Sure enough I help her over the wall, – there’sthe gentlemen side of me coming out again.

She’s over, – now my turn, sure enough just at thepoint where I hook one leg over the wall, I think almost there, simultaneouslyI stretch that bit too far, leaving a gaping hole for that runny poo to runinto my boxers, and eventually as I near her house down my legs vergingreaching my shoes.

Luckily as I was due to stay the night I had aspare change off clothes so when I got in I shot into the toilet to change, Ithought to myself god forbid if this happens again, I’ll have to borrow athong.

As you may have anticipated with the tone of thisstory, tragedy did strike again.

We are lazing in bed with one another, I’mmassaging her back and before I know it she’s dozed off. I turn over (facingaway from her now) and attempt to get some rest myself. About half an hour Ifeel, – what I think is a dry, quiet fart brewing. I feel so sure of this I amconfident I can risk doing it next to her, which of course is a risk as this ismy last pair of boxers. Taking that into consideration I pulled down my boxersby the waist revealing my naked backside.

There I go, now I am completely set and safe forwhatever my bowels have in store!

Yes I am but she’s not! I was wrong with myinitial prognosis of it being a quiet dry fart, – the quiet bit was righthowever it was one of the wettest poos (honestly like liquid) I’ve everreleased and it shot straight out of me onto her underwear lower back and upperleg.

My only saving grace was somehow she didn’t wakeup, and I tip-toed out of her bedroom and into the bathroom. ten minutes laterI duly returned all spotlessly clean, with no evidence that I could havepossibly just done such a thing!

Need I say, I declined the offer of sleeping therest of the night in that bed, so just lay on the floor for the rest of thenight wide awake.

Around half eight the next morning I could hearher begin to stir. Innocent as ever I tapped her on the shoulder giving her anearly morning kiss, and revealed to her in my special way, ‘you appear tohave had an accident babe’ she turned round, still half asleep, and had aninstant look of horror all over her normally pretty face. Inside I was inhysterics but I managed to control myself, and she s[pent the next hour or so,saying things like, ‘I swear to you I haven’t done that in years, since I was 7or something’, (now nearly 18) ‘I can’t believe I’ve done that when your hear,’‘Oh I feel so embarrassed.’ You get the gist of it.

I said I believed her, and constantly reassuredher, saying things like, although it must have been incredibly humiliating forher, I didn’t care one bit, and said it can happen to anyone!

I couldn’t actually believe, I had managed toperform one of the greatest escapes in the history of what must be humanexistence.

You may be surprised to know that she still doesn’tknow till this day the true happenings on that day, and we are still happilytogether now 3 months later!

Note: – Although this story may sound a bit skeptical/farfetched but I promise you every word of this is 100% true. Hope you enjoyreading.

Originally posted 2010-02-09 11:20:00.

Third and Log – Shitting in a driveway

admin — Fri, 18 May 2012 09:58:42 +0000

I went down to my brother’s college on leave to hang out and blow off some steam. After a few hours at the bar my brother and his friends decided to go some where else. For whatever reason I wanted to stay behind so I assured my brother I knew how to get back to his place. The fact of the matter is I did not. As I wondered the streets looking for my brother’s place I felt a sharp pain in my stomach as if I had swallowed about 600 staples. In a moment of panic I searched for the darkest place I could find and assumed the position…….a three point stance. As I was relieving my self a car pulled up in the driveway. Of all the places on campus to shit I chose the driveway of a house full of girls. As the car approached me a girl opened her window and asked if I intended to clean it up. Since I had no idea what to do I just ignored her as if I did not notice the bright lights of the Chevy Malibu bearing down on my white ass. After a few more seconds I stood up, buckled my belt, looked at the girls and with all the defiance of a 7 year old I yelled “NO!” and darted through the bushes. I found a campus phone and called my brother to pick me up because I was fairly certain the police were looking for me.

Originally posted 2006-06-27 12:10:00.