Doctor knows best

Saturday, 26 July 2014

I had to go have an ultrasound and sonogram (internal), to discover how bad the endometriosis was and how it was effecting my insides. The appointment was very early in the morning, and I slept in late, so I had a bagel and went on my merry little way.
At the doctors I started to feel my tummy rumble a little. I didn’t think anything of it because I hadn’t eaten a real breakfast and was nervous about the diagnosis. So when it was my turn, I was in for a surprise.
The appointment when an hour longer then necessary. While they filled me up with fluids, I felt that similar rumble in my tummy. The doctor told me to use the restroom, and I told her I would be fine.
It wasn’t until I got home that shit hit the wall (literally).
I was out front of my parents house talking to my grandpa on the phone. My parents left to go to an auction, when it hit me. And I mean it HIT me. The cold sweats, the clenching of the meat cheeks, the heavy breathing… Everything. I tried to get off the phone, but my grandpa wouldn’t stop talking. I finally hung up on him, telling myself I would tell him my phone died.
I ran to the side door and grabbed the handle,keeping my thighs as close and as tight as I could. The door was locked. I waddled to the back door, having to stop every ten seconds because of the abuse on my chocolate starfish. The back door was locked. At this point, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to make it. I sat on the ground trying as hard as I could to keep it in, then decided it was time.
I started walking towards the back corner of the back yard, cheeks clenched and ass sticking out. Everything from my belly button down hurt. About halfway to the corner, it started. Liquid flowed from my ass crack and there was nothing I could to stop it. At this point I was sobbing, asking myself “WHY!?” over and over. I made it to the corner of the yard and it looked like someone sprayed a fire extinguisher full of shit all over the side of my parents shed. The worst part was, I have never seen ANYTHING in my life that green. I thought it was going to burn through the metal on the shed and leave holes in the ground. Straight up looked like melted pistachio ice cream mixed with green food coloring.
I squatted in the corner crying my eyes and asshole out for about ten mins, until I decided I was finished. It was EVERYWHERE! All over my pants, my leg, the shed, the ground… I was so pissed off at my parents for locking their doors. I knew I needed to take a shower, so I went around the house trying to force doors open. It was then I realized there was a window open. I hosed myself down a little so I wouldn’t drip acid green ass vomit all over the floor.
Ad I ed in through the window, my moms dog started growling at me. Pissed off at the world, I screamed at the top of my lungs… “SHUT UP I JUST SHIT MY PANTS!!” He tucked his tail between his legs, seemingly feeling sorry for me.
I ripped my clothes off and shoved them in the washing machine, and took a shower. When I came out, my parents were home. The first thing my mom said?
“What smells like shit?”

Originally posted 2010-05-28 15:17:00.

Never kiss a monkey

Friday, 25 July 2014

Not exactly a shitty story but, none the less, I think this video is worth checking out.


Originally posted 2006-06-09 10:16:00.

Quick and Dirty Shitty Story

Friday, 25 July 2014

When I was four years old I was out on the playground playing with my friends when I was hit by the urge. Being a four year old kid and, unwilling to walk away from my important game of tag, I did not cease to the warning and continued to play. After the inevitable transpired I was naturally approached by my teacher to find out what was the matter. After careful deliberation I looked up and explained to my teacher that it wasn’t actually me that shit their pants…..It was her. Needless to say she didn’t buy it..

Originally posted 2006-11-13 08:06:00.

Japanese Pooping Cartoon with Subtitles!

Thursday, 24 July 2014

This is the funniest video I have seen in a while but be careful where you watch it. Some of the subtitles are quite descriptive.


Originally posted 2007-11-19 10:28:00.

Same Shit, Different Day

Thursday, 24 July 2014

So, I was at work in the newsroom in Los Angeles, talking on the phone with an associate on the East Coast. I had a violent sneeze for which I apologized. In the next few seconds I realized something had gone terribly wrong. I exclaimed, “I gotta go!” when, apparently, I already had. And it wasn’t just a small leakage of the rectal cavity it was a full-blown explosion the covered not just the crack, but my ass cheeks, as well. When I arose from my Herman Miller chair, I realized that my underpants were soaked and it was leaking down my legs, infusing my Levi’s 501′s. I made it to the bathroom as fast as I could to rip off the clothing. It took nearly a roll of toilet paper to clean-up the initial damage. The underwear were a total loss and were stashed at the bottom of the bathroom garbage. Then using some paper towels and water, I cleaned the 501′s the best I could. I re-dressed, sans underwear, and headed for home calling my friend to explain what happened. He was laughing so hard he almost shit himself! When I arrived at home I realized the shit had had also tainted T-Shirt. I took off the close and hosed them down in the alley, before putting them in the washing machine. I threw myself in the shower and was back at work before anyone knew I was gone. Give new meaning to the phrase, “Same Shit, different day!”

Originally posted 2009-01-07 09:56:00.

My hellish flight to Australia

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Nobody knows this story to this day… until now!

I was 18, and just about to go on my gap year to Australia. I was needless to say a little nervous at travelling alone for the first time (and the fact that it was a 23 hour journey from the UK where I live), and so, as they often do in nervous situations, my bowels were definitely not themselves.

My dad drove me to the airport and suggested we get dinner before I went through to departures. I (foolishly) agreed. I chose a steak with a creamy peppercorn sauce off the menu and it was lovely. I though “ah thats better. I feel good now. No need to worry.” How very wrong I was…

I got on the plane and all was well for about 4 hours, until suddenly I felt the dreaded stomach clench. I started to sweat uncontrollably and knew that the worst was yet to come.

A stroke of luck hit at that point- being so early on in the journey there was no queue for the toilet. So I gingerly got up and slowly walked, cheeks clenched, to the toilet. I sat down and let out some absolutely hideous farts that smelt of rotten fish before feeling an odd sensation on my ass. I looked down, horrified, instead of shit coming from my ass there was a clear ‘super-glue-esque’ substance dripping down into the toilet that smelt to high heaven! I looked to my right to see that there was no toiler paper! WHY ON EARTH WAS THERE NO TOILET PAPER AT THE START OF THE FLIGHT?!?!?! I quickly improvised by using the tissues left on the basin for blowing your nose, ignoring the ‘do not flush these tissues’ sign and with horror wiped the sticky, stinking mess from my ass. I thought all would be ok now but the farts kept on coming. I got up and left the toilet and went back to my seat, leaving stinking farts all the way down the isle.

During the flight I made 6 journeys to the toilet to face this fishy hell and when I finally arrived to Australia 19 hours after the first BM I was a sweaty, fishy mess.

TOP TIP… Never EVER decide that eating to settle a bad stomach is a good idea. Especially before an international flight!

Originally posted 2011-05-05 08:31:00.

Before I go….

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

I just got home when I got a call from my boss about a raise. I jumped into the car and drove to CanJet. I walked out of my car and into the building. At that time my stomach started hurting, I ignored it. I walked into the office and dropped my suitcase on the floor, it opened and a few things fell out. I picked them up and sat down. This is where things got interesting. We had a long talk. “Before Ì go…“ I said. Then my bowels started. The gas came out big time! Then came the diareah all over the guest chair. Then came the pee that I couldn’t hold in. My boss looked at me. I ran off… When I went back to work. I heard people saying “Did you hear that she shit herself yesterday“ as they were pointing at me. I quit a few days later.

Originally posted 2009-09-27 18:10:00.

First Video Poop Story Submission

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

Today we received our first video poop story submission! Recording a video of yourself telling a poop story takes some bowels. The story starts about a minute into the video.


Originally posted 2009-10-25 10:43:00.

Bean Dere

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented, ‘You’re
definitely going to sh*t yourself’ chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the
point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me
that if you it eat the next day both of your ***** cheeks WILL fall off.

Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
‘Riksters’ Movement #2′. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual
morning symphony referred to by my next-door neighbors as thunder and

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when,
I bravely set off for the marke t; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I
often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t
until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
pain hit me.

Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m
referring to that ‘Uh oh, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at
the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and bak ing aisle, suddenly enveloped
in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I
was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly
woman turned into it.

I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at
least will be able to relate.

I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t. I simply watched as she
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and wav ing her arms about her head as though
trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible,
but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped
down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my
*** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in
t he middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’. He made a
gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ‘Sonofabitch!’, then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached
me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It
appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is
going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to
take care of the problem.’

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’,
then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not
to return.

Home again without havi ng shopped, I realized that there was nothing to
eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I
went to shop at Albertson’s. I can’t say anymore about that because we
are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they’re going to have
to repaint the store.

Originally posted 2008-05-01 12:57:00.

Phantom Pooper

Monday, 21 July 2014

It appears there is some sort of “Phantom Pooper on the loose in Idaho. Here’s the article.

Originally posted 2007-10-19 09:19:00.