This is a two part story and somewhat long, but funny…
Okay, so about a 3 years ago I got really into mountain biking and I started doing some 8 – 10 mile rides. I would always take a camel pack with me.
For anyone who doesn’t know, a camel pack is like a back pack with a tube so you can fill it with water and drink out of it while you hike or ride a bike.
So after riding for about a year, me and a friend I rode with often, decided we should ride up Mt. Baldy. It is out in the middle of no where and you take a rickety chair lift into the mountain.
As we arrived, we began filling out camel packs up with water.
My friend had a big container of some funny looking water.I asked where he got that water. He said it was from a road trip and he filled it up from a faucet in Texas… we were in California…
I was kind of “shit out of luck” complaining about this though, because we really had no options for other water source, and he was planning on drinking out of it so I wasn’t about to complain.
So we get up the chair lift, hell we even made it all the way to the top of the mountain and back down to the base camp above the chair lift. We decided to get some lunch. I am standing in line. Waiting to buy some food, and suddenly, my stomach starts rumbling, like bad. I try to ignore it at first, but then it became clear it was not ignorable.
I frantically begin looking for a bathroom in this lodge. I find one. I go in and begin shitting and farting like crazy. Reminded me of a dumb and dumber scene.
I wasn’t sure what was happening if it was the water, or just something wrong with me that day. After shitting though I felt much better.
I washed up and began eating some lunch. I am sitting there and my stomach starts hurting bad again, but I complain about it but ignore it.
I go outside and sit on a bench and the cramps are so bad, but I am not sure if I need to shit or what, ‘could it just be the altitude’ I am thinking.
I finally rush back into the bathroom, and my friend is laughing at me. I paint the toilet again. ‘man wtf’!! I am thinking.
I decide its just me and can’t be the water, because my friend is having no symptoms whatsoever.
We decide to ride down and call it a day. However on our way down on the trail my tire pops, so we hike out onto a fire trail and begin fixing my tire. All is good… we get it fixed and start riding down the fire trail where it lets us out a couple miles below my car.
So we start riding up a steep grade to get back to our vehicle. It was right then that the rumble started happening again.
This time the cramps and pain became so exquisitely intense I got desperate. I looked around at the wilderness ‘hell I could just go run and hide behind the rocks up there and shit behind those rocks’ I can’t hold it anymore, I decide on it.
I look at my friend. “Dude it’s happening again. I can’t hold it any longer. ”
The cramps were so intense. It was like God himself was wringing out my intestines.
“I have to shit over there I can’t hold it.”
Then the voice of reason from my friend spoke.
“NO man we can make it! We are almost there, there is a porta potty in the parking lot I saw it. ”
“Dude its like a mile away!”
“We can do it cmon just hold it.”
I feel renewed with vigor to endure this pain at all costs, I really didn’t want to shit on the side of the road.
That was the most grueling hot painful mile I had experienced to date.
The last part through the parking lot I actually carried my mountain bike over my head clenching my butt cheeks together to climb up a hill to the porta potty.
I flung that door open as quick as possible threw my pants down and let the cannon rip.
I farted so loud and violently and Hershey squirts shot out with a plummeting hollowness.
After that I was fine.
Originally posted 2011-08-24 14:11:17.