Scuba Poop

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

I will try to keep this short. On a scuba trip with a few friends, total of around 20 people on a small boat for 3 days. Had a good solid dinner then put on my wet suit and geared up. Stomach felt a little funny but I was not going to miss the night dive, best time to see the life under water. Naturally after only about 10 minutes my stomach was killing me, the pressure of being 80 feet under water did not help my situation. I signaled to my dive buddy I was going up. I thought I was close to the boat but when I got to the surface I saw I had a long swim. Started to swim and quickly realized what was in my bowels was coming now no matter what I did. I thought about getting out of my wet suit and shiting in the water but with 20 other divers below me with flash lights I thought that may not be m! y best option. As I continued to swim I just had to let it all go. Luckily for me when I got back on the boat I was more or less the only one, so headed straight for the shower/bathroom. I pulled down my wet suit and shit flew everywhere, since the wet suit was full of not only shit but lots of water. It was a poop massacre. I spent the next 10 minutes spraying down the bathroom and shower of poop. I somehow pulled it off and not a soul knew about the incident. I told my buddy a few years later and he about died laughing. Moral of the story is dont go scuba if you think you need to poop.

Originally posted 2011-08-18 16:28:00.

Why the drinking age is 21 – A College Poop Story

Monday, 18 August 2014

It all started with a trip to Kent State University in Ohio. My friend and I decided that we were going to bring his 14 year old brother along to some college drinking parties in the middle of a nice and cold winter. His brother wouldn’t be the only one here who was underage. My friend and I were both about 18-19 years old at the time. Anyway, we go from one party to the next drinking and everything else. Then my friend and I heard about some bar we could get into underage and still drink there. So we figured our chances of getting in would be better if we dropped his little brother off at my friend’s dorm room. So we dropped him off and proceeded to the bar. We didn’t get into the bar so we decided to go back to the dorm and call it a night. After entering the building we started up the and on our way up we kept smelling poop. Of course we both started laughing because we figured someone had just taken a massive dump or something. We get to his floor and the smell got worse. So we started laughing more until we saw his dorm room door wide open.

We rushed into the dorm and turned on the lights and to our horror, his little brother was gone, and there was poop EVERYWHERE in the dorm room. When I say everywhere I mean in the closet, on the mini-fridge, on his bed, all over the floor. There was a pile of clothes on the floor covered in poop. I’d never seen so much poop (other than looking in the toilet in a porta-potty) in my whole life. Needless to say it was disgusting. While my friend and I are trying to figure out who would do this and WHY we heard a distant moan. It sounded like his little brother. We headed towards the moaning and we found his little brother in the bathroom, naked, covered from the waste down in his own fecal matter, half conscious, and sitting on the toilet in an open stall. We were all completely drunk but I guess his little brother was WAY worse being only 14 years old and all. So we get him out of the stall and sit him in a chair in a shower stall and turn the shower on. While he was passed out sitting in a chair in the shower, my friend and I had the lovely task of cleaning up the poop. Everything that had poop on it and was made of cloth, we threw away. The bed sheets that had poop on them we threw out. The clothing on the floor we threw out. And let me tell you, this was the LAST thing my friend and I thought we would be doing at 2am while we were both drunk out of our minds. When we got done, in the process of taking out the garbage bags filled with poop and paper towels, I slipped and fell down an icy stairwell outside and damaged my tail bone. And as I fell, the garbage bags ripped open flinging poop and paper towels all over the ground. Once that was all done, we went back up and went to sleep. The next day we asked his brother what in the heck had happened. Well his little brother said that when we dropped him off, he wanted to play the computer until we got back or until he passed out. Well my friend had that tie-dye computer screen saver and his little brother said that it made him sick, and instead of puking, he started pooping. The poop in the closet was the result of his brother mistaking the closet door for the dorm room door (because it was nighttime and his little brother didn’t turn any lights on) so in the process of stumbling around in the closet, poop started to run out the bottom of his pant legs. Well he figured out he was in the closet and got out and took off his clothes so he could poop on them because he couldn’t find the door out of the room (he was very very drunk). While pooping on his clothes, he saw the door out and ran towards it. And because he hurdled to the door so fast, he flung poop out of his butt onto the bed and then all over the floor and on the mini-fridge. There were even dribbles of poop in the hallway from his dorm room to the bathroom. Anyway, on the ride back to Rocky River (the city where his little brother and I lived) we all kept randomly smelling poop. I searched myself head to toe and found no cakes of poop. His little brother wouldn’t have had any due to the long time he was in the shower. Well, my poor friend had a small encrusted smear of poop on the side of his hand. I don’t know how he could have missed it the night before. And so my friend grabbed his little brother’s hand, crushed it into a position so his index finger was pointing up, shoved the finger of his little brother into his little brothers mouth, and used that to wipe the poop off his hand. And It took more than one shove in the mouth to get it all off. So the gross part of this whole story is he made his little brother actually eat his own poop. And if anyone who has taken the time to read this and think that I am full of poop this actually happened. I will never forget it. EVER! And to this day (6 years later) I still tease his little brother about it. There’s a moral to this story. And the moral is, if you poop yourself when you drink massive amounts of alcohol, then DON’T DRINK ALCOHOL. THE END!!!!!!!!!!

Originally posted 2007-06-05 09:23:00.

Lost Log – Anyone seen it?

Monday, 18 August 2014

Submitted 10/18 – 10:55pm

I had to pee between third and fourth period at school today. I went to the bathroom and closed the stall door, and I began to pee. I glanced down at my foot, and about four inches from it was a piece of shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ON THE FLOOR!

Found it!

Originally posted 2006-05-19 13:30:00.

Pooping in an Alley….and my pants.

Sunday, 17 August 2014

I was at a party in college and drank myself to the sh*ts. I convinced my roommate to drive me the short distance to our house so I could take a dump. I was hoping I could make it home but it turns out I could not. I begged my roommate to pull over in an alley and I darted from the car. When I was far enough from the car, 18 inches, I leaned up against a fence and dropped my drawers and started to go. A foul, putrid, boiling hot water came from my ass. As I leaned there thinking how lucky I was to have left the party I looked down and noticed I had sh*t into my pants that were around my ankles. In a panic I poured the feces water out of my drawers, pulled up my pants and jumped in the car. My roommate was actually quite understanding as he laughed hysterically and cussed me out the entire ride home. When I got home I immediately took all my clothes off, placed them in garbage bag, and sent them to hell via the city waste management department. Needless to say I did not return to the party.

Originally posted 2006-06-29 11:00:00.

The poop story of 1989

Sunday, 17 August 2014

My brother likes to call it “1989″ swearing it’s the year this incident occurred. I would’ve been roughly ten years old. As a child, I had major anxiety. Each time my anxiety would rear its ugly head, a stomach ache/nausea would ensue. One early afternoon before my mother, brother, and I were about to go to my grandmother’s pool, it hit me. It hit me hard. I rushed to the bathroom and exploded into the toilet. At one point, I realized that I was still feeling fairly nauseous and had to throw up. Since I thought I was done with the shitting, I stood up and turned around to face the toilet and throw up.

Much to mine and my mother’s astonishment, my arse was not quite finished yet. Thus, my mother made me fully aware (as she was trying to calm me) that as I was puking in the toilet, my bowels were emptying on the floor. I had no idea this was even going on until she told me. The icing on the cake came right afterwards: My then seven year old brother witnessed our old dog licking some of it up before it got cleaned. I think we’re all scarred for life.

Originally posted 2007-08-10 12:22:00.

Rectal Explosion in Hawaii

Saturday, 16 August 2014

So I was vacationing in Hawaii and one morning I woke up and left my hotel room to get a cup of coffee. On the way back the poo fairies within had to make room for another shipment. So it was on quick notice that I had to take a MASSIVE dump. I started by sprinting back to my hotel room, to doing the long strided goose-stepping, to eventually walking like a penguin and making the Peter Griffin grunts. “” I got to the hotel bathroom at the nick of time, but my brother apparently had the same idea as me, but about 10 seconds before. So I knew there was an outdoor bathroom just a few yards away, so I began my march of the penguins at a quicker speed, but alas, I did not make it. I squeeked a bit out, but once I was over the toilet, I couldn’t wait for the underpants to come off and it just exploded like nothing you’ve ever seen. So pants around my ankles and crappy underpants just hanging there I thought I could just sneak back to my hotel room, but nope. There happens to be a ton of girls and hotel staff outside the bathroom doing who knows what. I just crammed my underpants into a garbage bin and pulled my clean pants up then casually walked out and once I was a few feet away I ran to the hotel room where I showered away the remainder of my fecal matter and shame. Aloha indeed

Originally posted 2009-11-09 19:29:00.

Poor guy soils himself at his girlfriend’s parent’s house

Saturday, 16 August 2014

Well it all started when he got his girlfriend, Shannon. He was obsessed with her. She kinda controlled his life. It was March 15th 1998 he had the runs. He was on the toilet and Shannon called him on the phone asking him if he could come to dinner but he said he was busy but she begged but he still refused. So Tuesday 2 weeks later he thought it was gone. He explained everything to Shannon and she forgave him, laughing. She said he could make it up to her coming to dinner Friday night, so naturally he accepted. So he got all dressed up (tie and everything) and drove over to his house in his old clunker. Earlier that day he felt some slightly disturbing stomach rumblings but thought nothing of it.(so he thought) Anyway, back to the story. His girlfriend met him at the door, looking nice. They did a lot of smoochy smoochy and finally went in. They caught her little brother, Robbie looking out the peep hole in the door. By the time they were through yelling at him, it was time for dinner and Shane heard the rumbles again. After they said grace they started eating. After the delightful meal, Shannon’s mom and dad were asking Shane about himself. He began to answer when all of the sudden…. BBBBOOOOOOMMMMMMM, it hit him as hard as a rock and it all came out, he was so embarassed. So the next day he saw Shannon at shcool and she said she was braking up with him and her parents forbidded her to see or talk to him. He was then given the phrase, “Shane, Shane the dooky stain.

“Story from Frank’s Poop Page
Hope this is ample enough.

Originally posted 2006-05-03 09:42:00.

The Jogging Incident

Friday, 15 August 2014

I was jogging around my neighborhood in Strength Shoes(shoes with platforms on the toes to build leg muscles) when I got a sharp pain in my stomach. I tried to run it off but that did not work so after about 5 more minutes and another 1/2 mile from home I decided I needed a toilet ASAP! I turned to start running home but the bouncing from my “moon shoes” made the pain unbearable. I walked as fast as I could and got within 4 blocks from home when I ran into a girl I knew. Unable to explain that I had to go because I was going to shit myself I was forced to speak with her for 5 minutes or so. That 5 minute window did me in. As soon as she walked back into her house I took off in a full sprint clenching my cheeks with not only my sphincter muscles but also my hands. I got within 40 yards of the toilet but could hold it no more. I ducked behind a fence and garabage can and unleashed a foul, brown putrid slush all over some dudes driveway, splashing and spraying my shoes and legs in the process. Once I unloaded I quickly sprinted home to finish the job and clean my $150 shoes. I can only imagine that man’s horror when he went to take his garbage out that week.

Originally posted 2006-06-08 14:54:00.

Burning Hot Poop Incident

Friday, 15 August 2014

As you may already know, I have a severe addiction to diet coke. On Sunday,
I came to realize we had run out of it only after I had returned from
Georgios with a delicious piece of tomato and pesto pizza. I ate the pizza
accompanied by a glass of water but found this unsatisfying, so after I was finished I decided it was a very crucial matter for me to acquire a can of
dc so I began the trek to 7-11. In my haste for that nutra-sweet, I forgot
to consider that I had been unable to eat any amount of food for the past 2
weeks without a dash to the bathroom immediately after its consumption. As I
walked to the store, my stomach began to rumble, but I thought its only 2
blocks… ill make it. By the time I reached the stores parking lot, the
cramping had set in. I knew it was a matter of urgency but my need for diet
coke prevented me from turning around and making the mad dash home. I walked
in 3 people in line… no big deal.. I’ll be in and out. I thought of
grabbing a little snack while I was there for later but after I close the
cooler door I knew there was no time…. I reached the counter… and was
confronted with the biggest loser hippy employee 7-11 has ever seen. He
tormented each customer as they came… and had no sense of urgency in his
dealings. I waited what felt like 4 minutes… pondering where the nearest
toilet would be… I knew there was not one in 7-11… I eyed the parking
structure across the street… could I really take the chance?

Finally it
was my turn, I threw the money at the cashier and made a split decision…my
only chance was to make it home. I walked/ran home at an unprecedented
speed. Ran in the back door… only to hear the voice of a male on the
porch… could I really risk a boy coming upstairs after I had alleviated
myself.. the answer was yes… I ran up the stairs only to hear another male
friend’s voice in my roommate’s bedroom just inches from the bathroom…
knowing this boy the way I do.. I knew it would not be safe to shit in his
vi9cinity, surely a comment would be made if he discovered what I had just
done….. so I ran in the bathroom, grabbed a roll of toilet paper (thank
god I had the foresight) and headed the bathroom downstairs… no one ever
goes down there.. I would be safe. I flipped the switch to the bathroom…
it began to flicker.. and as I rushed in, it turned out. I could not shit in
the pitch black.. that I felt was just asking for trouble… but what could
I do?… I couldn’t go back upstairs… I would need a new light bulb… and
I rushed around the basement looking for light that had easy access….
as there was only 2 to choose from I chose the one without a fixture over
it. I couldn’t turn the light out before I ripped it out of its socket because the
light switch was upstairs and there was certainly no time to rush back to
the top of the stairs.. so I grabbed a stray shirt from the dryer to use to
shield my hand from the burns that would surely be delivered if I touched it
with my bare hand. I unscrewed it and in my frantic state shifted it from the
the hand with the t-shirt to the other scolding my fingers… but there was
no time for burn treatment so I ran into the dark bathroom… and was
confronted with a light fixture hanging by several oddly placed screws… I
ripped the screws out, I don’t even think I turned them and screwed the new
light bulb on with the speed of an electrician. Then I sat on the toilet,
relieved myself.. While at the same time nursing my burnt hand……

Originally posted 2007-05-03 09:44:00.

Jersey Shore Shitty Story

Thursday, 14 August 2014

Back in 1993, on a hot summer day in August, I rushed to get done work and get home. I was ready to go on vacation to the shore and at the time I had a 1953 Chevy. I was was confident it would make the trip with no problem but when I got home my father kept saying “you shouldn’t take it! you may break down in the Pine Barrens!” I sat at my mothers table stuffing my face with cold cuts and mayo and said “No pop I will make it” Bag packed and car full of gas I headed on my way. I got on the turnpike and breezed down the highway. In the back of my head I could still hear my father saying “you shouldn’t take it! you may break down in the Pine Barrens!” Now I don’t know if it was that or the food I ate, but my stomach started bubbling. Then I started sweating and checking my temperature gauge and oil pressure and was like oh god what if I do break down!  I began to panic as I hit the Delaware Memorial Bridge. I begin feel the pressure in my colon. “Oh no” I said to myself or out loud I don’t remember.. “I am going to shit my pants!” I was at the top of the bridge and I clenched my cheeks as hard as I could. I pulled over after I crossed the bridge, and sprinted across a meadow to the tree line. I didn’t make it! With every step shit started coming out of my ass. I made it to the tree line and pulled down my pants, but the damage had been done! I searched my pockets for something to wipe. The only thing I had with me was a rag I used to check the oil with. Why it was in my back pocket i don’t know, but at the time I was grateful to have anything to wipe with. I limped back to my car and laid my leather jacket on the seat…got in the car with shit pants…and the damn thing wouldn’t start! The starter always had problems when it got hot and it was August. I waited for what seemed to be an eternity and the thing finally started. I thought to myself I could turn around and go back home and embarrass myself or keep heading down the shore and embarrass myself. I headed to the shore. I drove on for an hour and a half with shit caked jeans praying that I didn’t break down or get pulled over. Thankfully, I got to our shore house safely. However, when I pulled into the drive way the neighbor was having a barbecue with about 15 people. “Wow look at the old car” one said. I jumped out of the car as fast as I could and darted to the back door of the house..keys fumbling in my hand. “Hey man, come on over and have a hot dog” the neighbor yelled. I said maybe later and got into the house. Threw my pants in a garbage bag and took a hot shower!

Originally posted 2010-03-16 22:19:00.