It all started with a trip to Kent State University in Ohio. My friend and I decided that we were going to bring his 14 year old brother along to some college drinking parties in the middle of a nice and cold winter. His brother wouldn’t be the only one here who was underage. My friend and I were both about 18-19 years old at the time. Anyway, we go from one party to the next drinking and everything else. Then my friend and I heard about some bar we could get into underage and still drink there. So we figured our chances of getting in would be better if we dropped his little brother off at my friend’s dorm room. So we dropped him off and proceeded to the bar. We didn’t get into the bar so we decided to go back to the dorm and call it a night. After entering the building we started up the and on our way up we kept smelling poop. Of course we both started laughing because we figured someone had just taken a massive dump or something. We get to his floor and the smell got worse. So we started laughing more until we saw his dorm room door wide open.
We rushed into the dorm and turned on the lights and to our horror, his little brother was gone, and there was poop EVERYWHERE in the dorm room. When I say everywhere I mean in the closet, on the mini-fridge, on his bed, all over the floor. There was a pile of clothes on the floor covered in poop. I’d never seen so much poop (other than looking in the toilet in a porta-potty) in my whole life. Needless to say it was disgusting. While my friend and I are trying to figure out who would do this and WHY we heard a distant moan. It sounded like his little brother. We headed towards the moaning and we found his little brother in the bathroom, naked, covered from the waste down in his own fecal matter, half conscious, and sitting on the toilet in an open stall. We were all completely drunk but I guess his little brother was WAY worse being only 14 years old and all. So we get him out of the stall and sit him in a chair in a shower stall and turn the shower on. While he was passed out sitting in a chair in the shower, my friend and I had the lovely task of cleaning up the poop. Everything that had poop on it and was made of cloth, we threw away. The bed sheets that had poop on them we threw out. The clothing on the floor we threw out. And let me tell you, this was the LAST thing my friend and I thought we would be doing at 2am while we were both drunk out of our minds. When we got done, in the process of taking out the garbage bags filled with poop and paper towels, I slipped and fell down an icy stairwell outside and damaged my tail bone. And as I fell, the garbage bags ripped open flinging poop and paper towels all over the ground. Once that was all done, we went back up and went to sleep. The next day we asked his brother what in the heck had happened. Well his little brother said that when we dropped him off, he wanted to play the computer until we got back or until he passed out. Well my friend had that tie-dye computer screen saver and his little brother said that it made him sick, and instead of puking, he started pooping. The poop in the closet was the result of his brother mistaking the closet door for the dorm room door (because it was nighttime and his little brother didn’t turn any lights on) so in the process of stumbling around in the closet, poop started to run out the bottom of his pant legs. Well he figured out he was in the closet and got out and took off his clothes so he could poop on them because he couldn’t find the door out of the room (he was very very drunk). While pooping on his clothes, he saw the door out and ran towards it. And because he hurdled to the door so fast, he flung poop out of his butt onto the bed and then all over the floor and on the mini-fridge. There were even dribbles of poop in the hallway from his dorm room to the bathroom. Anyway, on the ride back to Rocky River (the city where his little brother and I lived) we all kept randomly smelling poop. I searched myself head to toe and found no cakes of poop. His little brother wouldn’t have had any due to the long time he was in the shower. Well, my poor friend had a small encrusted smear of poop on the side of his hand. I don’t know how he could have missed it the night before. And so my friend grabbed his little brother’s hand, crushed it into a position so his index finger was pointing up, shoved the finger of his little brother into his little brothers mouth, and used that to wipe the poop off his hand. And It took more than one shove in the mouth to get it all off. So the gross part of this whole story is he made his little brother actually eat his own poop. And if anyone who has taken the time to read this and think that I am full of poop this actually happened. I will never forget it. EVER! And to this day (6 years later) I still tease his little brother about it. There’s a moral to this story. And the moral is, if you poop yourself when you drink massive amounts of alcohol, then DON’T DRINK ALCOHOL. THE END!!!!!!!!!!
Originally posted 2007-06-05 09:23:00.