The Mountain Bike Saga | Part I – Setting the stage

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

This is a two part story and somewhat long, but funny…

Okay, so about a 3 years ago I got really into mountain biking and I started doing some 8 – 10 mile rides. I would always take a camel pack with me.

For anyone who doesn’t know, a camel pack is like a back pack with a tube so you can fill it with water and drink out of it while you hike or ride a bike.

So after riding for about a year, me and a friend I rode with often, decided we should ride up Mt. Baldy. It is out in the middle of no where and you take a rickety chair lift into the mountain.

As we arrived, we began filling out camel packs up with water.

My friend had a big container of some funny looking water.I asked where he got that water. He said it was from a road trip and he filled it up from a faucet in Texas… we were in California…

I was kind of “shit out of luck” complaining about this though, because we really had no options for other water source, and he was planning on drinking out of it so I wasn’t about to complain.

So we get up the chair lift, hell we even made it all the way to the top of the mountain and back down to the base camp above the chair lift. We decided to get some lunch. I am standing in line. Waiting to buy some food, and suddenly, my stomach starts rumbling, like bad. I try to ignore it at first, but then it became clear it was not ignorable.

I frantically begin looking for a bathroom in this lodge. I find one. I go in and begin shitting and farting like crazy. Reminded me of a dumb and dumber scene.

I wasn’t sure what was happening if it was the water, or just something wrong with me that day. After shitting though I felt much better.

I washed up and began eating some lunch. I am sitting there and my stomach starts hurting bad again, but I complain about it but ignore it.

I go outside and sit on a bench and the cramps are so bad, but I am not sure if I need to shit or what, ‘could it just be the altitude’ I am thinking.

I finally rush back into the bathroom, and my friend is laughing at me. I paint the toilet again. ‘man wtf’!! I am thinking.

I decide its just me and can’t be the water, because my friend is having no symptoms whatsoever.

We decide to ride down and call it a day. However on our way down on the trail my tire pops, so we hike out onto a fire trail and begin fixing my tire. All is good… we get it fixed and start riding down the fire trail where it lets us out a couple miles below my car.

So we start riding up a steep grade to get back to our vehicle. It was right then that the rumble started happening again.

This time the cramps and pain became so exquisitely intense I got desperate. I looked around at the wilderness ‘hell I could just go run and hide behind the rocks up there and shit behind those rocks’ I can’t hold it anymore, I decide on it.

I look at my friend. “Dude it’s happening again. I can’t hold it any longer. ”

The cramps were so intense. It was like God himself was wringing out my intestines.

“I have to shit over there I can’t hold it.”

Then the voice of reason from my friend spoke.

“NO man we can make it! We are almost there, there is a porta potty in the parking lot I saw it. ”

“Dude its like a mile away!”

“We can do it cmon just hold it.”

I feel renewed with vigor to endure this pain at all costs, I really didn’t want to shit on the side of the road.

That was the most grueling hot painful mile I had experienced to date.

The last part through the parking lot I actually carried my mountain bike over my head clenching my butt cheeks together to climb up a hill to the porta potty.

I flung that door open as quick as possible threw my pants down and let the cannon rip.

I farted so loud and violently and Hershey squirts shot out with a plummeting hollowness.

After that I was fine.

Originally posted 2011-08-24 14:11:17.


The Drummer Wall Shit

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

So, I am a full grown man.

I have a drumset that I keep in a storage unit, so as not to bother my old lady or the neighbors, that I play about once a week.

Well, I had just gone to get some delicious buffalo wings with my wife and ate about 50, along with several beers, when I got the bright idea to go rock out at the storage unit… with no bathrooms. I began to play for about fifteen minutes when I felt the faintest rumble that I usually associate with a little gas. You see, I also like to swallow air and fart it out, just to piss off my wife… so I was quite familiar with this sensation and thought nothing of it. As I continued to play, though, my stomach began to feel heavier and heavier and I knew I was in for some trouble. I thought I had enough time to leisurely collect my things and take them out to the truck. And then it hit me like a freight train. Sudden, gurgling cramps shot pain throughout my midsection and I double over on my stool trying to will my asshole to stay shut. I had been in similar situations before, so I knew I had to take immediate action in order to avoid shitting myself right there. I quickly squea! ked out a few greasy farts to make room in my guts and allow me to walk (still doubled over). I quickly decided that squatting behind the building was the only safe bet because every other square inch of the place had video cameras. I started to waddle out, butt cheeks clenched when I realized I had two obstacles: 1. How could I close and lock the storage without relaxing my butthole? We all know that if you give it any room to maneuver, it will open like the floodgates! 2. What the fuck was I going to wipe with? There was no paper, trees, leaves, grass or anything around!

Well, I said “To hell with the drums!” and continued my waddle to sweet poopy freedom around back. As luck would have it, I came upon an old sock someone must have left there. It was a wool sock that one would wear hiking or an old man would wear with their Berkenstocks. As I finally got to pull down my pants, I could that “grease” from the farts and knew it was no grease at all. Sure enough, There were my shit stained boxers (Calvin Klein, too). But alas, nothing matter as I finally got to relax my anus and spray gravy all over the side of the building and into the grass. The smell was simply unbearable and it formed a little puddle between my ankles (I was careful to keep my shorts from dipping in it). I wiped with the sock and used a pocketknife to cut my boxers off, vowing that no one would ever know about this.

After I also gave the wall a courtesy wipe I began to walk back around to the dumpster and then I saw it: a camera pointed right at the corner of the build. Luckily, it didn’t see me shit, but it would be too hard for them to put two and two together. I disposed of the soiled clothes in the dumpster and proceeded to go play drums for another hour. After all, after I got out all the goo, my body felt fine and I saw no reason not to. Also, it’s fair to say that the wings scorched my asshole pretty good, too. So, far I haven’t received any calls or notices from the facility so they either don’t care, didn’t see it, or are in the process of putting it on YouTube.

Originally posted 2011-08-23 22:29:00.


A crappy day complete with cops

Monday, 25 August 2014

I’m one of those people that will not under any circumstances poop in a public toilet. I just cant do it! I’m to ashamed! been that way all my life! well i woke up with a hangover from the night before as me and my girlfriends threw a wicked party. when i woke up, i had just enough time to get ready for work and had to take a wicked crap! no time to take it go figure! so i just got up, got dressed, got out! I’m a waitress at a local restaurant and the dress code is casual. white shorts, Big mistake later! so i made it to work 1 minute early so i wasn’t late. my shift was 6 hours long and as i was waiting on my tables, i was in pain the whole time because i thought as the day went on, id be alright. so im sweating, clinching my cheeks as im taking care of my guest. when i was 4 hours into my shift, lunc! h break. i started to not eat but since i haven’t eaten all day, that would just not be logical. so i ordered me a double bacon cheeseburger and some fries. well needless to say that just made my cramping worse! and I know the logical thing for me to have done was just got the bathroom and be done with it! unfortunately im just to embarrassed too! and i dont understand why. when their was just five minutes left in my break, im in the emp break room with 2 guys and 1 other girl. Thats when i felt the need to start passing gas. i figured maybe that will relieve some of my pain. so i proceed to let it out quietly. one section, silent. next section, not a sound. third section,,, well everyone heard it! so everyone looks at me, turn red began to cry and im like “im sorry y’all! please excuse me!” one of the guys was like “dont worry. it happens. you will be alright!” so i go back to work and struggle through the last two hours of my shift. when it was quittin! g time, i did not Waite! I ran for my car! didnt say bye to an! yone lik e i normally do! now one stipulation with our dress code does require shirts tucked in. since the shirt i had on was almost long enough to reach the end of my shorts, i really should’ve untucked it before i got in my car! because i had to go so bad, i was driving kinda fast. right when im only one block away from home, thats when i cop comes out of nowhere and lights me up! Its like im so close but yet so far away! so i pulled over and when he wanted to know why i was going so fast, I was too embarrassed to tell him why. so i just “I have no excuse! I’ll accept that citation!” when he asked for my license, uh oh! it was in my purse which was in the trunk of my car meaning I would have to get up and at this point, i had to poop so bad that me sitting here was the only thing keeping my poop in! but i didnt wanna make things worse so i just got up and walked stiffly to the trunk to give him my license! right when i gave it to him, i proceed to walk back to my car and ! he’s like “oh no just stay right their.ur alright right their.” noooo!!! i guess so he can check me out since I am a pretty looking girl! so as im standing their pressing my butt against the rear finder of my car just trying not to unload. so after five minutes of this, he comes back with his notebook and was like “ok come see please.” still in pain, i approach him slowly. he begins to explain that i am getting a citation for speeding. ive been in this type of pain before but this was out of control. right when he asked me to sign my citation, i reach to grab the pen and that was the nail in my coffin. beyond my control, I could just feel a freight train run through my intestines as it derailed off its tracks and into my white jean like shorts! it made a noise for the officer to hear it and gave off a deathly oder. He knew wat happened right away! so after i sign my ticket, i walked off so embarrassed i wished I was dead. as i proceeded to go back to my! car, he saw the brown blotch on my shorts and was like “! ma’am! c ome see again please!” then i began crying uncontrollably and turn around. he asked “its no secret now. Is this the reason for your speed?” I said “ok! you got me! It is! I was just to embarrassed to say anything to you!” so he asked for my ticket and just tore it up and said “go ahead! This will be between me and you! I hope your day gets better.” still crying “thank you!” i said back. when I got back into my car, i didn’t wanna sit down because one it would feel nasty and two it will seep into my car seat. so i drove the one block home braced up. as I pulled into the driveway, i ran from my car and into my house ignoring my neighbor who sad “hi”. how i made it from my car to the bathroom without a log falling out of my shorts and streaking down my leg and splatting the floor, totally amazing! cleaning up took 2 hrs! I was able to keep my shorts after washing them in bleach and oxy clean and have worn them to work a few! times since (just more wise about it). but my panties, i didn’t feel like dealing with them! from now on, Im making time to poop. if im late for work, oh well!

Originally posted 2011-08-22 13:38:00.


One time at Band Camp…..(no joke)

Sunday, 24 August 2014

 This one time at band camp (no joke) I was performing in front of thousands of people at the end of the summer. We were just finishing our intro when I felt a sudden urge to release hot stream of brown lava in my pants as I was playing my tuba. It was our biggest performance so I couldn’t leave in the middle of it. We finished one song but the cramps were getting worse. Our instructor said I couldn’t go and I had to wait for the end of the performance. I told him to screw it because I couldn’t hold it any longer. Shit was already slowly coming out of my ass. There weren’t any bathrooms for about 15 minutes. All I could think of was to shit in the tuba. I ran behind the bleachers and I exploded inside the trusted tuba. I ruined my hot pink thong but that was the least of my worries. I didn’t know how to empty it so I tried to blow in it would come out but it didn’t. So I asked my instructor to check if he could get it to work and i lied and said it was stuck because i accidentally dropped my gum in it. He blew in it and the creamy shit flew all over the front row of the audience.

Originally posted 2011-08-22 23:44:24.


Formerly known as the Shameful Shitter

Saturday, 23 August 2014

I’ll start this off with a little background info on myself. I was at one point in my life a shameful-shitter. If I thought anyone was within earshot of my possible butt blasts, my cornhole would lock up tighter than Alcatraz.

Now, here I was on a 4 day weekend trip with my girlfriend and her family. We all shared one small hotel room the entire time. The bathroom was conveniently located right next to, well basically the entire room. The walls were paper thin and if you made the slightest anal exclamation, it was known to all.

On our first day there we went to a Chicago Fire and Columbus Crew soccer match. Needless to say the bathrooms there were packed and unusable for me. I had eaten the wonderful delicacies offered at sports stadiums and needed to poo as soon as we got back to the hotel. However, it was not to be.

I sit down on the pot and I can hear my girlfriend, her mom, her dad and brothers and sisters all having a conversation right in front of the bathroom door. My butthole was shut tight and refused to let anything out. After a few minutes I gave up on it left the bathroom extremely unsatisfied.

During our entire vacation I believe we visited the busiest places on earth. Because there was not a single deserted bathroom in any building we went to. My lower intestines were rumbling constantly by the last day and I knew bad things were about to happen.

We are driving back to the hotel room on our last night there and a chain of events took place that forever changed me in the eyes of my girlfriends family. With about a 30 minute drive to look forward to my gut starts to cramp up extremely painfully. It wasn’t the normal feeling of the bomb-bay doors needed opened. No. This felt like someone had inflated a weather balloon in my colon.

As we were driving along the most horrible, wretched, lingering farts began to seep out of my behind. Luckily, the had brought the small family dog on this trip and the smell was blamed on her.

About 10 minutes from the hotel I broke out in a cold sweat. Since the dog was being blamed for my horrendous farts I thought about just really letting a few big ones go to relieve some pressure but thought it to be a bad idea because I didn’t want to shit my pants.

With the gut busting amount of poo riding along in side of me, these last 10 minutes to the hotel were the longest 10 minutes of my life.

We park and then walk up to the room. I would have run ahead but, I had to use all of my mental concentration to clamp my buttcheeks closed. I just didn’t have the mental capacity to coordinate running and clenching. So I waddled along with everyone.

As soon as we got to the room I went straight to the bathroom. I pulled down my pants and not 2 seconds after I sat down I let out the most cacophonous sound my ass had ever made. It sounded like wood going through a chipper and the chips being sprayed into a lake. This initial statement silenced all conversation taking place within our room and probably all surrounding rooms as well.

This was only the beginning though. After the first wave of liquid evacuated my bowels, a second wave of about a thousand pea sized morsels fired at high speed from my arse. Between each pellet a loud crack sounding about like the exhaust from an automatic rifle erupted from within me. These first two events left me mentally scarred for life because words CAN NOT describe what this felt/sounded/smelled like.

After a few more audible events I was finished and the toilet was all but ruined for whoever needed it next. This mess took about 4 flushes to get down but it finally left this world.

I walked out of the bathroom to a completely silent and stunned room. Not a single person would look me in the eye. I know the entire room had to smell like my shit. I feel sorry for the people I had to bring along with me for that experience but I can now say I am a much less shameful shitter.

Originally posted 2011-08-21 17:34:00.


A Bad Day to Move Furniture

Friday, 22 August 2014

One night I stayed up partying real late at the bar and had a really good steak for dinner at the bar. Well, I went home, passed out and woke up early the next morning to assist my dad with moving some furniture out of my late grandma’s house. I got there around 8 AM and felt my stomach feeling funny. My uncle hadn’t repaired the toilets in the house so there was nowhere to use the restroom. I figured I could hold it till we were finished. That was a bad idea. So we started moving stuff and the pains got worse. I thought I’d mess myself at anytime. We got a bunch of stuff done and I told my dad I had to go now! I ran out of the house and tried to find a place in the woods behind the house. Too late. As I was running, I crapped my pants and there was a horrible smell. I found a hole in the woods and fin! ished relieving myself there. When I was done I had to use leaves to clean up and that took awhile. When I got back my dad asked, “You ok?” I said, “Yeah, I just shit myself though.” Needless to say, no more furniture got moved that day.

Originally posted 2011-08-20 06:22:00.


Scuba Poop

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

I will try to keep this short. On a scuba trip with a few friends, total of around 20 people on a small boat for 3 days. Had a good solid dinner then put on my wet suit and geared up. Stomach felt a little funny but I was not going to miss the night dive, best time to see the life under water. Naturally after only about 10 minutes my stomach was killing me, the pressure of being 80 feet under water did not help my situation. I signaled to my dive buddy I was going up. I thought I was close to the boat but when I got to the surface I saw I had a long swim. Started to swim and quickly realized what was in my bowels was coming now no matter what I did. I thought about getting out of my wet suit and shiting in the water but with 20 other divers below me with flash lights I thought that may not be m! y best option. As I continued to swim I just had to let it all go. Luckily for me when I got back on the boat I was more or less the only one, so headed straight for the shower/bathroom. I pulled down my wet suit and shit flew everywhere, since the wet suit was full of not only shit but lots of water. It was a poop massacre. I spent the next 10 minutes spraying down the bathroom and shower of poop. I somehow pulled it off and not a soul knew about the incident. I told my buddy a few years later and he about died laughing. Moral of the story is dont go scuba if you think you need to poop.

Originally posted 2011-08-18 16:28:00.


Why the drinking age is 21 – A College Poop Story

Monday, 18 August 2014


It all started with a trip to Kent State University in Ohio. My friend and I decided that we were going to bring his 14 year old brother along to some college drinking parties in the middle of a nice and cold winter. His brother wouldn’t be the only one here who was underage. My friend and I were both about 18-19 years old at the time. Anyway, we go from one party to the next drinking and everything else. Then my friend and I heard about some bar we could get into underage and still drink there. So we figured our chances of getting in would be better if we dropped his little brother off at my friend’s dorm room. So we dropped him off and proceeded to the bar. We didn’t get into the bar so we decided to go back to the dorm and call it a night. After entering the building we started up the and on our way up we kept smelling poop. Of course we both started laughing because we figured someone had just taken a massive dump or something. We get to his floor and the smell got worse. So we started laughing more until we saw his dorm room door wide open.


We rushed into the dorm and turned on the lights and to our horror, his little brother was gone, and there was poop EVERYWHERE in the dorm room. When I say everywhere I mean in the closet, on the mini-fridge, on his bed, all over the floor. There was a pile of clothes on the floor covered in poop. I’d never seen so much poop (other than looking in the toilet in a porta-potty) in my whole life. Needless to say it was disgusting. While my friend and I are trying to figure out who would do this and WHY we heard a distant moan. It sounded like his little brother. We headed towards the moaning and we found his little brother in the bathroom, naked, covered from the waste down in his own fecal matter, half conscious, and sitting on the toilet in an open stall. We were all completely drunk but I guess his little brother was WAY worse being only 14 years old and all. So we get him out of the stall and sit him in a chair in a shower stall and turn the shower on. While he was passed out sitting in a chair in the shower, my friend and I had the lovely task of cleaning up the poop. Everything that had poop on it and was made of cloth, we threw away. The bed sheets that had poop on them we threw out. The clothing on the floor we threw out. And let me tell you, this was the LAST thing my friend and I thought we would be doing at 2am while we were both drunk out of our minds. When we got done, in the process of taking out the garbage bags filled with poop and paper towels, I slipped and fell down an icy stairwell outside and damaged my tail bone. And as I fell, the garbage bags ripped open flinging poop and paper towels all over the ground. Once that was all done, we went back up and went to sleep. The next day we asked his brother what in the heck had happened. Well his little brother said that when we dropped him off, he wanted to play the computer until we got back or until he passed out. Well my friend had that tie-dye computer screen saver and his little brother said that it made him sick, and instead of puking, he started pooping. The poop in the closet was the result of his brother mistaking the closet door for the dorm room door (because it was nighttime and his little brother didn’t turn any lights on) so in the process of stumbling around in the closet, poop started to run out the bottom of his pant legs. Well he figured out he was in the closet and got out and took off his clothes so he could poop on them because he couldn’t find the door out of the room (he was very very drunk). While pooping on his clothes, he saw the door out and ran towards it. And because he hurdled to the door so fast, he flung poop out of his butt onto the bed and then all over the floor and on the mini-fridge. There were even dribbles of poop in the hallway from his dorm room to the bathroom. Anyway, on the ride back to Rocky River (the city where his little brother and I lived) we all kept randomly smelling poop. I searched myself head to toe and found no cakes of poop. His little brother wouldn’t have had any due to the long time he was in the shower. Well, my poor friend had a small encrusted smear of poop on the side of his hand. I don’t know how he could have missed it the night before. And so my friend grabbed his little brother’s hand, crushed it into a position so his index finger was pointing up, shoved the finger of his little brother into his little brothers mouth, and used that to wipe the poop off his hand. And It took more than one shove in the mouth to get it all off. So the gross part of this whole story is he made his little brother actually eat his own poop. And if anyone who has taken the time to read this and think that I am full of poop this actually happened. I will never forget it. EVER! And to this day (6 years later) I still tease his little brother about it. There’s a moral to this story. And the moral is, if you poop yourself when you drink massive amounts of alcohol, then DON’T DRINK ALCOHOL. THE END!!!!!!!!!!

Originally posted 2007-06-05 09:23:00.


Lost Log – Anyone seen it?

Monday, 18 August 2014

Submitted 10/18 – 10:55pm

I had to pee between third and fourth period at school today. I went to the bathroom and closed the stall door, and I began to pee. I glanced down at my foot, and about four inches from it was a piece of shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ON THE FLOOR!

Found it!

Originally posted 2006-05-19 13:30:00.


Pooping in an Alley….and my pants.

Sunday, 17 August 2014

I was at a party in college and drank myself to the sh*ts. I convinced my roommate to drive me the short distance to our house so I could take a dump. I was hoping I could make it home but it turns out I could not. I begged my roommate to pull over in an alley and I darted from the car. When I was far enough from the car, 18 inches, I leaned up against a fence and dropped my drawers and started to go. A foul, putrid, boiling hot water came from my ass. As I leaned there thinking how lucky I was to have left the party I looked down and noticed I had sh*t into my pants that were around my ankles. In a panic I poured the feces water out of my drawers, pulled up my pants and jumped in the car. My roommate was actually quite understanding as he laughed hysterically and cussed me out the entire ride home. When I got home I immediately took all my clothes off, placed them in garbage bag, and sent them to hell via the city waste management department. Needless to say I did not return to the party.

Originally posted 2006-06-29 11:00:00.